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Hi, I’m your waiter Jeff, let me tell you about The Specials. The Specials are an English 2 Tone ska revival band from Coventry, England…
Anyone recommend a good book to sit on my nightstand untouched for 3 years collecting dust while I mindlessly stare into this stupid screen?
Upcoming Jason Statham Movies:
- The Crime Job
- The Guy Fighter
- The Car Driver
- Fist & Chips
- Cockney & Racy
Me & my bros like to call appetizers:
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don't let your dog sit in the driver's seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Ted Cruz is now gonna hit the links and swing the ol' golf bat.
"Um, here's a crazy idea, how about finishing the wall mural in the baby's room?" - Banksy's wife
Let me know if any of your dogs have learned how to talk because I've written 6 pretty good rap songs from the perspective of a rapping dog.
Daniel Craig is done w/ Bond. Per my sources, top contenders for next 007
- Melissa McCarthy
- Kristen Wiig
- Kate McKinnon
- Leslie Jones
*uses falconry glove to take tray of bagel bites out of oven*
CBS has 3 different NCIS shows on its fall schedule because people are fed up with the rampant naval crimes in our country and want answers!
Is Lent over yet? I really miss boogie boarding.
- Red Delinquent
- Jaden Smith
- Golden Longhair
- Sad Ronald
- Travelin' Wormbury
- Smooth Jazz
- Mushland Softie
Open letter to the owner of Dan's Antiques:
You could have named your shop "Dantiques" and you didn't. Coward.
Just yelled out "Is it Friday yet?" Coworkers hoisted my chair in the air, paraded me around the office, crowned me new DIRECTOR OF LAUGHS!
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Executive Producer of 'Nephew Swap'
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