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Upcoming Jason Statham Movies:
- The Crime Job
- The Guy Fighter
- The Car Driver
- Fist & Chips
- Cockney & Racy
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Hi, I’m your waiter Jeff, let me tell you about The Specials. The Specials are an English 2 Tone ska revival band from Coventry, England…
Me & my bros like to call appetizers:
Let me know if any of your dogs have learned how to talk because I've written 6 pretty good rap songs from the perspective of a rapping dog.
"Um, here's a crazy idea, how about finishing the wall mural in the baby's room?" - Banksy's wife
CBS has 3 different NCIS shows on its fall schedule because people are fed up with the rampant naval crimes in our country and want answers!
Just yelled out "Is it Friday yet?" Coworkers hoisted my chair in the air, paraded me around the office, crowned me new DIRECTOR OF LAUGHS!
*uses falconry glove to take tray of bagel bites out of oven*
When Facebook friends post about their kids’ sports victories, I always comment “He cheated. I was there. Very disappointed in your family.”
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Dora has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had.
Coffee Shops with Free WiFi
- Welcome Back Squatter
- See Ya Loiter
- American Idle Cafe
- Slow Sips Abyss
- Café Au Layabout
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
How would you rate the performances of our Medieval costumed entertainers?
☐ Renaissance Great
☐ Renaissance Good
☐ Renaissance Fair
When I start telling someone how we rescued our dog from a shelter, my dog will make the jerking off motion with his paw behind my back.
New Jersey News Hurricane Traffic Advisory: Please avoid Highway 9, it's jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive. #hurricane
Things Toddlers are Good at:
- walking like spazzes
- talking like morons
- Stomping on sand castles I worked hard on
- not apologizing
Sorry I spent the afternoon throwing Molotov cocktails through your storefront windows. I bought 5-Hour Anarchy by mistake.