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Upcoming Jason Statham Movies:
- The Crime Job
- The Guy Fighter
- The Car Driver
- Fist & Chips
- Cockney & Racy
Me & my bros like to call appetizers:
Hi, I’m your waiter Jeff, let me tell you about The Specials. The Specials are an English 2 Tone ska revival band from Coventry, England…
When Facebook friends post about their kids’ sports victories, I always comment “He cheated. I was there. Very disappointed in your family.”
Dora has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
"Um, here's a crazy idea, how about finishing the wall mural in the baby's room?" - Banksy's wife
Just yelled out "Is it Friday yet?" Coworkers hoisted my chair in the air, paraded me around the office, crowned me new DIRECTOR OF LAUGHS!
New Jersey News Hurricane Traffic Advisory: Please avoid Highway 9, it's jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive. #hurricane
Sorry I spent the afternoon throwing Molotov cocktails through your storefront windows. I bought 5-Hour Anarchy by mistake.
How would you rate the performances of our Medieval costumed entertainers?
☐ Renaissance Great
☐ Renaissance Good
☐ Renaissance Fair
When I start telling someone how we rescued our dog from a shelter, my dog will make the jerking off motion with his paw behind my back.
I have yet to meet a little kid wearing sunglasses who is actually cool.
MAKE YOURSELF CHUG BEER TIL U PASS OUT! DRAW A DICK ON YOUR OWN FOREHEAD! - texts from my University of Phoenix online fraternity brothers
Alabama vs. Notre Dame. I’m rooting for Bane to show up.
Would you like your receipt
- in the bag?
- posted on Facebook?
- made into origami elk?
- read aloud?
- lit on fire?
My paper shredder is broken so please don't send me Christmas cards this year.
I haven’t smoked pot in a while. Does it still make you want to buy the “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” cassingle?
If there’s a photo of you wearing a Tommy Bahama shirt on your boat in Florida shown on 48 Hours or Dateline, you murdered your wife.
Regularly featured on Twitter's Who to Unfollow list