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Me & my bros like to call appetizers:
Hi, I’m your waiter Jeff, let me tell you about The Specials. The Specials are an English 2 Tone ska revival band from Coventry, England…
When Facebook friends post about their kids’ sports victories, I always comment “He cheated. I was there. Very disappointed in your family.”
Dora has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had.
"Um, here's a crazy idea, how about finishing the wall mural in the baby's room?" - Banksy's wife
Just yelled out "Is it Friday yet?" Coworkers hoisted my chair in the air, paraded me around the office, crowned me new DIRECTOR OF LAUGHS!
New Jersey News Hurricane Traffic Advisory: Please avoid Highway 9, it's jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive. #hurricane
Sorry I spent the afternoon throwing Molotov cocktails through your storefront windows. I bought 5-Hour Anarchy by mistake.
I have yet to meet a little kid wearing sunglasses who is actually cool.
How would you rate the performances of our Medieval costumed entertainers?
☐ Renaissance Great
☐ Renaissance Good
☐ Renaissance Fair
Alabama vs. Notre Dame. I’m rooting for Bane to show up.
When I start telling someone how we rescued our dog from a shelter, my dog will make the jerking off motion with his paw behind my back.
My paper shredder is broken so please don't send me Christmas cards this year.
I haven’t smoked pot in a while. Does it still make you want to buy the “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” cassingle?
"Hello, I'm from a show called Dancing with the Stars, may I please speak with Rick Santorum?"
"Neat, a baseball cap, thanks." - Ron Howard, every Christmas
Christmas Carolers, but instead of singing Christmas songs they silently rake your leaves.
Four of my high school friends liked "Batteries" on Facebook. I'm getting pretty excited for the next reunion.
Just bought an orange juice at Starbucks because I was tired of carrying around $4.65.
I’m pretty sure the thing my coworkers hate the most about my long stories is the bullhorn.