A preist, a pedophile, and a rapist walk into a bar. And thats just the 1st guy.

How much coke did Charlie Sheen use?
Enough to kill 2 and a half men!

thanks twitter! the last time i was addicted to something that wouldn't let me sleep, it was illegal.

how many days in a row can you say fuck it and just stay in bed? so far, six.

Tried to donate blood today. Didn't realize you had to give your own.

i mentally give people little stars who say stuff i like.

you cant see me right now, but im chewing through my left arm.

I'm not great at giving advice, but can i interest you in a sarcastic comment?

isn't it about time we get a faster microwave?

*inhaling* *reading timeline* *holding* *slowly exhaling* ahhh.

in most courts, i would be guilty of stalking you.

bartender: u know u got a steering wheel attached to the front of ur pants?
pirate: arr matey! its drivin me nuts!

that awkward moment when you covertly take someones picture with your phone and get busted because the shutter sounds.

friends are like blisters. they only show up after the work is done.

fuck mobile twitter.

out of the corner of my eye, i just saw my own reflection giving me the finger.

i've been bartending for 19 years. not once have i served a di saronno on the rocks.

i want a sex change. from none to some.

why do i always feel like shit all day if i get out of bed before noon? this is going to be a long 4 months.

i hate unloading the dishwasher. #firstworldproblems