If you ask me to swallow you're pretty much asking me to puke on your balls.

I bet this hot Dad at the playground regrets getting married and having these kids.

Fist bump my cunt.

I'm sucking jelly through a straw because there's a very good chance I'll be giving head again this weekend.

If you guys tweet about fingerbanging, please at least fingerbang me.

Sucking cock is better than hugging.

If I were a dog I'd fuck in public all the time.

Some guys think I'm a guy because I think with my dick.

You guys are like a bunch of short stories in a book I just can't put down.

Sometimes I rub my vagina with my phone.

My cunt smells like your morning breath.

David from K-Mart says hello, you guys.

This is not spunk on my lip.
I promise.

Note to self: Don't like boys. Ever.

When I swing really high I get a funny sensation in my vagcake. Swear on my life.

I haven't had a dick in my mouth since December, you guys.
It's sad let me tell you.

I feel sorry for the first guy I ever gave a blowjob to.
And almost proud for the last guy.

My lovely lady cunt. Check it out.

If I hold the door open for you to pass through and you don't have the common decency to say thank you, I will call you a cunt to your face.

I've never seen a "no vibrators" sign, smokers.
You chose the wrong hobby.