If a woman saying 'fuck' is so offensive to you; you've probably never made one cum.

i was just about to change my avi to tits when i remembered i was funny.

Yah, I look both ways entering a one way street because that's how little faith I have in the intelligence of fellow man.

i dont give hand jobs because i have a vagina.

Ladies: When talking to men, NEVER read between the lines.

There is nothing there, I promise.

I crack and roll my neck upon entering any room. Just in case anybody wants a shot at the title.

Life gave me melons. They're huge, yah...

Sorry 'bout your lemons.

if by 'girl next door' you mean 'masturbated 9 times today and is now making steak burritos' then Hey, Neighbor.

Why are you playing video games when I have all this pussy?

i followed someone with 18 followers today. you know why? because 3 weeks ago, i had 18 followers.

I don’t have time to make you breakfast but here’s some pussy.

Are manual RTers the same folks who can't find the clitoris?

I hold doors open for men just so they know I can fuck myself.

Masturbating to videos of myself masturbating is my Inception.

Please don't wake the freak in me unless you know exactly how to put her back to bed.

Men with limp, fucking gentle, pussy-ass handshakes.

Cut that out. Fucking quit it.

I want cheese fries but I can't be fucken up my tits to tummy ratio.

When people say 'I like the way you think', I always answer, regardless of gender, 'You should see the way I fuck'

Bud Light is for people who don't want to fuck me.

moms: get out of your effin cars at drop off. would it kill you to zip a jacket up, put on a hood, kiss your kid? you get one shot at this.