If you are following Facebook on Twitter, you have reached a new level of retarded.

Laughter is not best medicine... Xanex is

I would marry my boyfriend but I don't want to change my name to Mrs. PassiveAgressiveAssholeDouchebagMoronMotherfucker. So, i'll pass.

Why do people that know the least, know it the loudest?

I'm so fucking classy, I pee with my legs crossed.

I hate when I'm making a milkshake and boys just show up in my yard.

Doing laundry. All I'm saying is there's so much jizz on my sheets, I won't be surprised if a toddler crawls out of the dryer

No, asshole, I'm not a mean drunk, I'm a mean person.

I just caught my kid forging my signature on some school crap. Proudest. Moment. Ever.

Nobody ever fucking retweets me.


(please retweet)

My boyfriend just bought a new 52 in. LCD TV. His boner opened the front door while he was bringing it in.

I hate finding out people that I thought were awesome are Republicans.

You came really close to clever before veering off into a ditch and exploding in a flaming ball of stupid.

If it wasn't for Facebook I wouldn't remember anyones birthday that I don't give a shit about.

My vag has a superiority complex.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, damn, I am less nurturing than a desert.

I was going to tell you all how cute my cat is and then I thought about it for a second and decided to shoot myself in the head instead.

No matter how fucking awesome your kid is or what a great parent you are, they are still going to have skid marks in their underwear.

I colored my hair dark. Now I feel like I'm cheating on myself while I masturbate.

I was in line at Albertsons...the gal in front of me had a large cucumber and a tube of ky jelly...I wanted to ask her for the recipe