I need to start making better bad decisions.

Whenever I meet someone new & we shake hands, I tell them our hands just had sex.

You know, just to keep it creepy.

People who answer their phone by saying, "Yes?" are assholes.

That skirt says "let's skip dinner & make a sex tape"

i'm always creeped out by people who are happy for no reason.

I wish helping others didn't involve me dealing with people.

Accidentally told someone I loved them &now I officially hatemyself.

Oh tequila, you fuck up eveyething.

Girls, if you have to beg for sex, you're doing something wrong...

Breadstick light sabers are the coolest.

I googled murder.

Someone told me to "be safe tonight," I said, "Don't worry, birth control," with a
wink.

They meant drinking & driving with no license.

Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters & don't throw up on him when they go out.

I'm in for "drunk & disorderly," or what I like to call... Monday.

You never heard of me? That sounds absurd to me.

I out-crazied a man with a gun.

Anyone who says I'm "in a better place," when I'm dead, will be getting haunted.

Anything's better than being buried underground, fool.

Grown men with Velcro wallets are always tools, ALWAYS.

According to shampoo, it's none of your frizzness.

Had I known I was infertile I would've been doing the dirty & sluttin' it up years ago.

I have pepperoni in my bra.