Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you laugh for no reason, in which case you need medicine

I tie my sweatshirt around my waist when walking into a bar to let everyone know I'm not there to fuck around.

I ignore you. You notice me. See how that works?

I don't care where I am, if someone offers me drugs, I'm doing them.

If you don't gag during a strep throat test, you're a whore. Probably.

the most productive thing i've done thus far in my day is make the conscious decision that i will not be showering, so there's that.

I feel sorry for girls that have no personality, and have to be slutty to gain followers.




Aaaand I'm not wearing any panties

Life's too short to play it safe, so eat raw cookie dough and have unprotected sex.

Instead of removing shoes, guests remove their pants at my house.

Alcohol is the rug that I sweep my problems under.

All of my best tweets come from inside my pillow fort.

If your actions don't match your words, I'm going to have to go ahead and call bullshit.

If you don't call it Sexy Time and shoot your finger guns, you're probably not me.

*pew pew, pew pew pew*

Everyone around me has got their shit together. I haven't even located my shit.

When people say I'm stupid, I know they just think I'm pretty.

Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I'm not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.

Why be bitter when you can be better?
Or fuck his friends or something like that.

I still live alone so anything I say is fucking hilarious.

Pants are for people with something to hide.

Come in sit down, I'll put on a pot of vodka!