My cat seems to enjoy staring out of windows almost as much as i like staring into them but nobody calls her a creep. WHEREISTHEJUSTICE????

i wanted to name my band RAGEBARF but my fucking girlfriend wouldn't let me

i am such a piece of shit

@hermit_thrush my gf did this once and it hurt v bad

one of the cool parts about being a boy is that if u leave a shameful mess on the side of the toilet u can come back later and pee it off :)

i wish my parents had the foresight to inject my fetus w/ komodo dragon DNA so i could bite ppl i didn't like and make them die

my gf still does not think it is hilarious when i hum "the old gray mare" every time she walks into a room

Ate all my girlfriend's fries in 4 huge bites, did not break eye contact once no matter how hard she glared at me

Like Rasputin only without any charisma or magic powers

all i care about is weed and horrifying sex acts

@yeahok first time i did acid i punched the h*ck out of a tree and hurt my hand and also i found a jar lid in the dirt and punched it too

i want to make a slasher movie where the villain is a welder and before he welds a girl to death he says "ALL'S WELD THAT ENDS WELD"

MY BRAIN IS FUCKED UP AND I WAS RAISED WRONG

@elphhh @dankdevice world's smallest man could use my v stretchy sack to fight crime?? Million dollar idea right there, ur welcome brah

All any girl really wants is for some big dumb sweaty guy to tell her what she really wants

My job is 80% spider solitaire and 20% watching mexican laborers through binoculars but i am somehow still bad at it

I killed a coyote from a great distance to make my father proud of me but it made me less proud of myself

I literally control my girlfriend by farting at her when she does wrong and it is soooo much more effective than violence or emotional abuse

This dude leo on twin peaks knows how to treat a lady

Took a nap but still got self esteem issues