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It's never a good idea to tell the bartender "Just surprise me, Asshole".
Don't assume that just because she's hot and in a police uniform that she's a whore. Related - real tasers look an awful lot like fake ones.
If you're talking to a toothless dude at five am in Walgreens, he's probably on meth. Or looking to brew some. Don't help.
Hotel bibles make for terrible rolling papers.
“You’ll get your money when I’m dead” is not a well thought out threat to your bookie.
No matter how good friends you are with your buddy and his wife, there’s no subtle way to turn it into a three way.
Good- a cold beer after work. Better- a cold beer at work. Best- pounding six of them while waiting in line to cash my unemployment check.
Only a moron would fight off the winter chill by getting lap dances for three hours instead of paying their electric bill. I am what I is.
No one considers writing a tweet a day "work". Except me and my bong.
"You're not going to knife me in my sleep, are you?" is not a question that you want to be asking right before bed.
When challenged to a one on one game of soccer behind Home Depot don't play for someone's sister unless you see her first.
It's apparently still not cool to retort with "who gives a shit?" when debating Kennedy assassination conspiracies. Effin' baby boomers.
Flashing your man boobs and chasing women with anal beads is a lot easier to get away with on Fat Tuesday than opposed to just any Tuesday.
If you're only paying $6.29 for an all you can eat 150 item Chinese seafood buffet, expect some questionable entries and weird-ass fish.
If playing air fiddle to the solo of The Devil Went Down to Georgia is your best move, stay off the dance floor at Gilley's Saloon.
Starting off with a smoke break is not the best way to start a new job. Especially if it’s weed.
If you’re yelling “I can win it back” at four in the morning, you should probably just go home.
It’s never too late to hit someone with a shovel for an April Fools Day prank.
“Take that, motherfuckers” is not an appropriate expression of joy every time you're dealt blackjack. So says security anyway. I disagree.
Declaring "the only thing blue are my nuts" after a ritzy home theater viewing of Avatar is not going to be a well received first date line.
I recently relocated to Las Vegas. These are the things that I've learned. The hard way.