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I create my own Starbucks experience by making a cup of coffee then incinerating a five-dollar bill with a torch.
Just assassinated a huge spider with a slingshot and a Flintstone vitamin if anyone's looking for a bodyguard.
We didn’t have flu shots. We walked two miles, uphill both ways, in 4’ of snow, to the doctor who beat the flu out of us with an axe handle.
I’ll take a bag of water into a store and claim their ice was defective just to see how far I make it up the management chain.
“ Chloroform not chlorophyll!” Me, after stomping a couple misguided muggers trying to press a giant leaf against my face.
Sometimes, I worry that we have not created enough shit that makes beeping noises.
Humor writers get no respect; but if you make someone smile, if you give them one moment of laughter, then fuck it, you earned your oxygen.
Drinking a fifth on the fourth, drank about a third, may fall over any second, tweeting it first.
“What is, Hungarian nutsack scraper?” —why I’d lose on Jeopardy.
Evidently, if all you carry into the woods is a gallon of moonshine and a claw-hammer, no one wants to deer hunt with you.
I’m now convinced I could engage in many more adventures had I a fiercely loyal, somewhat roly-poly sidekick.
Used a pressure switch and music chip to rig a toilet seat in Taco Bell to play 'I Had the Time of My Life' when you rise, triumphant.
Every time I see a raisin I mourn for the wine it could have been.
Before beginning any difficult undertaking I ask myself, "Could this be better achieved while drinking?"
Always make note of climbable trees in the event you are set-upon by varmints.
If you could negative-star a tweet, thereby reducing the total by one, shit would get contentious up in here.
Wag your tiny fist at the sky. Rage against the fates. Bemoan your wretched status. But, get the fuck out of the way so I can buy this beer.
Want to feel like a benevolent God? Drop a candy corn on an anthill while listening to harp music.
These smartphones, tablets, and e-readers don't impress someone immersed in the construction of a beer bottle catapult.
BOO..............................ze. Had ya scared for a minute.
Author of 20 or 30 humorous novels. World famous narrator of audiobooks.