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  • veinarmor
      greg crites @veinarmor

    I create my own Starbucks experience by making a cup of coffee then incinerating a five-dollar bill with a torch.

    • 372
    • FAVS
    djdavemichaelsNounGenderacycoWathiary_jiggynyejennifermerril2HrBryMarcusOreally
    • 245
    • RETWEETS
    NounGenderJ_Owen_Wathiary_jennifermerril2MarcusOreallyBJUmholtzseanyeattslaurajanenorton
    twayne1010llvvzz
  • veinarmor
      greg crites @veinarmor

    Just assassinated a huge spider with a slingshot and a Flintstone vitamin if anyone's looking for a bodyguard.

    • 229
    • FAVS
    NounGenderHuajatollaChicHrBryWathiary_ThirosThirospistolwistolbeethetrannyOutskirtHostess__
    • 130
    • RETWEETS
    NounGenderChicorelliStarHuajatollaChicMelloPsychoMichabeanMarcusOreallyHannahHandstandwestcoastgurl____
    twayne1010lvvzz
  • veinarmor
      greg crites @veinarmor

    We didn’t have flu shots. We walked two miles, uphill both ways, in 4’ of snow, to the doctor who beat the flu out of us with an axe handle.

    • 197
    • FAVS
    NounGendershelovespunkHrBrypkninjazChuckHPeckhamVAlaynaSandefurErinEphhaolegurl808
    • 128
    • RETWEETS
    ChicorelliStarkcavindamLondonAftrMidnshelovespunkMelloPsychodjstrike1TownsendAustinMixailovich
    JoleenDoreen
  • veinarmor
      greg crites @veinarmor

    I’ll take a bag of water into a store and claim their ice was defective just to see how far I make it up the management chain.

    • 200
    • FAVS
    djdavemichaelsNounGenderMaestatusJesPeachyiskWathiary_jiggynyeMelloPsychosix4certain
    • 107
    • RETWEETS
    NounGenderMaestatusJespistolwistolEllDavey__________Twisted_MettleItsNotBrandon15leechee420Michabean
    FredPollackGuyThe_Guy
  • veinarmor
      greg crites @veinarmor

    “ Chloroform not chlorophyll!” Me, after stomping a couple misguided muggers trying to press a giant leaf against my face.

    • 195
    • FAVS
    NounGenderMaestatusJesWathiary_jiggynyeLivingForestObliviousRexHatesNiceThingsJumpingJesusH
    • 88
    • RETWEETS
    NounGenderMaestatusJes420BirdsallHatesNiceThingspistolwistolLizzieBorden83____leacurreyMrmxlplx____
  • veinarmor
      greg crites @veinarmor

    Sometimes, I worry that we have not created enough shit that makes beeping noises.

    • 134
    • FAVS
    NounGenderHrBryMaestatusJesWathiary_jiggynyeMelloPsychopistolwistolsix4certain
    • 71
    • RETWEETS
    MelloPsychopistolwistolEllDavey__________ohvikiyousofinekymhothamTeriBussartCM2BTTHDF_U_Seek_Amy
  • veinarmor
      greg crites @veinarmor

    Drinking a fifth on the fourth, drank about a third, may fall over any second, tweeting it first.

    • 139
    • FAVS
    NounGenderWathiary_JiminyKicksItJsxistIcyPepsi4MeStanceofDogsPurpell_NurpellJimmytheworm
    • 63
    • RETWEETS
    NounGenderMrNickJCRueBarb_urgeekisshowingSuburbanComabiting_my_lip____Professor_RyanOneTallCupcake
    PortRoosterXalqeeCayenne7300
  • veinarmor
      greg crites @veinarmor

    Humor writers get no respect; but if you make someone smile, if you give them one moment of laughter, then fuck it, you earned your oxygen.

    • 148
    • FAVS
    NounGenderMaestatusJesWathiary_JumpingJesusHSeagreenWenchKidzGOPgwatts77PabloGSerski
    • 54
    • RETWEETS
    perpetualstonerpistolwistolPortRoosterPabloGSerskimatsmoustacheGerHallisseymllebeckyroseOrvllShrednbchr
    YearOfRat
  • veinarmor
      greg crites @veinarmor

    “What is, Hungarian nutsack scraper?” —why I’d lose on Jeopardy.

    • 126
    • FAVS
    NounGenderpistolwistolJumpingJesusHrockinAuntieJJohnLyonTweetsjiggynyepierson109OrvllShrednbchr
    • 56
    • RETWEETS
    NounGenderMelloPsychojiggynyepierson109SufficientCharmRick_489ahoytheboatJagMGman__________
  • veinarmor
      greg crites @veinarmor

    Evidently, if all you carry into the woods is a gallon of moonshine and a claw-hammer, no one wants to deer hunt with you.

    • 119
    • FAVS
    djdavemichaelsNounGenderMelloPsychoBackpackerBooieJVarsityCaptainJumpingJesusHMichabeanLousyBastard
    • 53
    • RETWEETS
    NounGenderAmberAuroraPleasurePetTwisted_MettleLousyBastardjiggynyeKatetodd11782RmRobmoore
    Bob_Heller
  • veinarmor
      greg crites @veinarmor

    I’m now convinced I could engage in many more adventures had I a fiercely loyal, somewhat roly-poly sidekick.

    • 120
    • FAVS
    NounGenderMaestatusJesMelloPsychoJumpingJesusHedbritonProbablyButNo____jiggynyeradtoria__________
    • 47
    • RETWEETS
    MelloPsychoProbablyButNo____MichabeanProfessor_RyanWeesieMalarkeyfavstar1000favsAlinthecounty____fullmoonmartini
    revenge_tanukissmilely_gal
  • veinarmor
      greg crites @veinarmor

    Used a pressure switch and music chip to rig a toilet seat in Taco Bell to play 'I Had the Time of My Life' when you rise, triumphant.

    • 105
    • FAVS
    NounGenderMrIncredidrunkCM2BTTHDMelloPsychopistolwistolJumpingJesusHjiggynyeradtoria__________
    • 38
    • RETWEETS
    CM2BTTHDfavstar1000favsosno13alldrolledupCpin42TYPpytginaallforandreaMichabean
  • veinarmor
      greg crites @veinarmor

    Every time I see a raisin I mourn for the wine it could have been.

    • 78
    • FAVS
    djdavemichaelsNounGenderMelloPsychopistolwistolJumpingJesusHjiggynyeArtIsMyPornMarcusOreally
    • 60
    • RETWEETS
    coco_marie2012ArtIsMyPornMarcusOreallycunning_gingerLollyramzMalanMushroomWasARebelPortRooster
  • veinarmor
      greg crites @veinarmor

    Before beginning any difficult undertaking I ask myself, "Could this be better achieved while drinking?"

    • 83
    • FAVS
    NounGenderMelloPsychojiggynyeSeagreenWenchgwatts77PabloGSerskiKurtleSugrpantsAlecCrane617
    • 37
    • RETWEETS
    NounGenderpistolwistolSeagreenWenchPortRoosterPabloGSerskiAlecCrane617mllebeckyroseProfessor_Ryan
  • veinarmor
      greg crites @veinarmor

    Always make note of climbable trees in the event you are set-upon by varmints.

    • 86
    • FAVS
    NounGenderMelloPsychopistolwistoljiggynyePabloGSerskiMetalligretchmuseofhistorymllebeckyrose
    • 32
    • RETWEETS
    MelloPsychoTheCoffeeRunnermllebeckyroseVarnerismKatetodd11782Professor_RyanGFGanderBeingmebeingme____
  • veinarmor
      greg crites @veinarmor

    If you could negative-star a tweet, thereby reducing the total by one, shit would get contentious up in here.

    • 91
    • FAVS
    NounGenderYesImMattMelloPsychojiggynyeAngieAvenged7____KidzGOPGetCougarizedDana_Bruno
    • 27
    • RETWEETS
    CM2BTTHDBradListiAngieAvenged7____PabloGSerskimllebeckyroseUghNotAgainProfessor_RyanMinden6
  • veinarmor
      greg crites @veinarmor

    Wag your tiny fist at the sky. Rage against the fates. Bemoan your wretched status. But, get the fuck out of the way so I can buy this beer.

    • 82
    • FAVS
    NounGenderjiggynyeThatDangIndianPage2Girlmyles_morrisonmllebeckyroseSuzetteNeptunemlccm
    • 35
    • RETWEETS
    NounGenderpistolwistolThatDangIndianmllebeckyrosemlccmProfessor_Ryandagaleznuminouswords____
    mllebeckyrose
  • veinarmor
      greg crites @veinarmor

    Want to feel like a benevolent God? Drop a candy corn on an anthill while listening to harp music.

    • 69
    • FAVS
    NounGenderMelloPsychopistolwistolMinden6jiggynyeEloraRahibrandleymatthewSeagreenWench
    • 38
    • RETWEETS
    Minden6dcliner8WDTnowUSMC_Nightmare____DandyTrumanelyinmdBenevanstanchaInsaneBHawksFan
  • veinarmor
      greg crites @veinarmor

    BOO..............................ze. Had ya scared for a minute.

    • 78
    • FAVS
    NounGenderjiggynyeProfessor_RyanHousewifeOfHellpistolwistolomfuckingfuck____mllebeckyroseBeenToHellPal
    • 29
    • RETWEETS
    NounGenderpistolwistolGFGanderBeenToHellPalyoufrombamajovial_evilosno13PortRooster
  • veinarmor
      greg crites @veinarmor

    These smartphones, tablets, and e-readers don't impress someone immersed in the construction of a beer bottle catapult.

    • 87
    • FAVS
    NounGenderJVarsityCaptainRandomlyRabidPabloGSerskimllebeckyroseProfessor_RyanJagMGman__________pistolwistol
    • 20
    • RETWEETS
    RandomlyRabidTwisted_MettlePabloGSerskimllebeckyroseGFGanderIlliter8jovial_evilBob_Heller
    revenge_tanukis
@veinarmor

@veinarmor

Author of 20 or 30 humorous novels. World famous narrator of audiobooks.