I’ve eaten more hollow headed bunny this week than Hugh Hefner.

I bet misery would hate my company.

I do lots of unmanly things. They’re called girls.

I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.

Happy Christian Fool’s Day!

I’m going to try to follow all you guys who pay for Bonus Features on Favstar, cause I feel sorry for you.

If you post something racist I will unfollow faster than a black kid running with an old ladies purse.

My bed is like a little porno movie set, except for the lights, cameras and action.

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

My man kegels are so strong I can stick my dick in a glass of water and back fill my bladder.

My kid said I have fucking OCD so she has to wash her mouth out with soap 42 times and go to bed at a time with an eight in it.

Created a new drink last night, called the Bin Laden. It's two shots and a splash of water.

When do we don our gay apparel?

My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?

I’m so tired, running a tire store all day and throwing nails out the car window all night. But business is great.

The good thing about your mom dying is being free to step on cracks.

I've got just enough crazy to keep me from going insane.

I’m keeping it ninja style, artfully composing tweets worth under ten stars.

I'm not a video game but I play one on tv.

A guy told me “It beats a poke in the eye with a sharp stick”. I can only judge by his reaction, he was correct.