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I tell somebody that they're taking up four parking spots and suddenly I'm the asshole.
I laughed at a commercial for male diapers today and later I peed myself a little on the way to the Taco Bell restroom. Karma is swift.
my superpower is turning ramen into high blood pressure.
I've been digging up sewage and mud for over an hour in an attempt to fix this septic tank and all I can think about is chocolate ice cream.
People that are up in arms about the ninja turtle being aliens in their new movie, how much do you miss vagina?
I'm wearing women's deodorant because I'm poor and that is all I could find. I'm wearing women's underwear because I'm sexy and I know it.
Won $700,000 playing poker just now. Time for a cup of coffee and a ball-wash.
I accidently put my joke notebook in the dryer. There's mediocrity everywhere.
My friend was arrested for stealing from his work. There goes my reference.
watched five minutes of ancient aliens on history channel. I feel like an idiot.
I haven't slept in 24 hours and I've masturbated 10 times. My penis looks like those red hot sausages you buy at the gas station.
"Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching" - Satchel Paige
I once found $20.
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