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I tell somebody that they're taking up four parking spots and suddenly I'm the asshole.
I've been spring cleaning since March 2001.
I laughed at a commercial for male diapers today and later I peed myself a little on the way to the Taco Bell restroom. Karma is swift.
I've been digging up sewage and mud for over an hour in an attempt to fix this septic tank and all I can think about is chocolate ice cream.
People that are up in arms about the ninja turtle being aliens in their new movie, how much do you miss vagina?
my superpower is turning ramen into high blood pressure.
watched five minutes of ancient aliens on history channel. I feel like an idiot.
I haven't slept in 24 hours and I've masturbated 10 times. My penis looks like those red hot sausages you buy at the gas station.
My friend was arrested for stealing from his work. There goes my reference.
"Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching" - Satchel Paige
Won $700,000 playing poker just now. Time for a cup of coffee and a ball-wash.
Kids disgust me.
I'm depressed. Mexican food should help. Later, bitches.
Don't fly Malaysian.
I walked 30 miles today. I am a beast.
Ugh, bio? For fuck's sake. I smoke pot, eat Mexican food, read books, and write jokes.
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