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I've been spring cleaning since March 2001.
I tell somebody that they're taking up four parking spots and suddenly I'm the asshole.
I laughed at a commercial for male diapers today and later I peed myself a little on the way to the Taco Bell restroom. Karma is swift.
my superpower is turning ramen into high blood pressure.
I've been digging up sewage and mud for over an hour in an attempt to fix this septic tank and all I can think about is chocolate ice cream.
People that are up in arms about the ninja turtle being aliens in their new movie, how much do you miss vagina?
"Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching" - Satchel Paige
Won $700,000 playing poker just now. Time for a cup of coffee and a ball-wash.
Don't fly Malaysian.
I haven't slept in 24 hours and I've masturbated 10 times. My penis looks like those red hot sausages you buy at the gas station.
I walked 30 miles today. I am a beast.
I like that movie where Geena Davis plays not a lesbian.
I stop you while you're jogging ONCE and tell you that your ass looks great and suddenly I'M the pervert masturbating in the bushes.
"How about a family of dogs that can drive a car?"
"You're a fucking genius, Mitch"
A very productive day at the Subaru ad agency.
A cheddar cheese crown might be the greatest achievment in all of burger-dom.
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