Hey, thinking about having kids? Here's a free piece of advice:

Learn how to fix everything in your house first.

Every. Fucking. Thing.

A 28 year old female I know on Facebook announced that she's pregnant with her 5th kid.

I suggested she try anal.

She unfriended me :(.

People that remove vowels to text:

Do me a favor and remove the consonants too.

Plucked from obscurity by the glorious hand of RT the little tweet shouldered its way into your timeline with eyes that shined like justice.

People that unfollow after one bad tweet:

Good call, there's almost certainly a lot more where that came from.

I have more drugs than food.

I've been told this means that I have a "problem."

Maybe: but at least my "problem" isn't being out of drugs.

I like to casually say "your welcome" to people who don't say thank you.

Because there's no more polite way to say "you're a rude bitch."

You can turn anything into a felony if you put enough effort into it.

I just heard a PSA about not shaking babies.

Fucking Hell people, really?

What's next, a PSA about not eating razorblades?

"Fucking locusts, amiright?"

-Old Testament guy on Twitter

I'm almost finished filling my bucket list with near-impossible shit so that I'll never die.

That's how this works, right?

I appreciate the attention, but that's not why I starfucked you. I starfucked you because you made me laugh - we were already even.

Twitter seems to make people so judgmental... Must be the new Christianity.

Twitter has taught:

No matter what you say, there is at least one person out there who will appreciate it.

Especially if you mention bacon

There's absolutely no fucking way I can afford a swear jar on my salary.

People that tweet "I support breast cancer" either don't know how to spell "research," don't know how words work, or are scary as fuck.

Twitter keeps inviting me to follow myself, which makes me wonder if it understands me on some level much deeper than I first suspected.

Remember guys:

People that aren't on Twitter are still people!

Just not people that matter.

Fuck, I'm too high for this shit! - Me, almost all the time. The rest of the time it's: Fuck, I'm not high enough for this shit!

Before you ask me a question, please remember that I'm not your fucking dictionary, thesaurus, or encyclopedia. Google motherfuckers, Google