I could never be internet famous. The excitement I get when One person RT's me is so intense I'd probably have a heart attack if 100 did.

I just ate a smaller than average pickle. Don't worry, I berated it for it's size and made sure it knew other pickles were more satisfying

I think i need to become a dom, so i can just command a dude to clean my house, lick my pussy and get the fuck out.

"If I had known I'd be sucking dick tonight I would have worn waterproof mascara" Oh the classy things I say.

You know in cartoons when they open their wallets and moths fly out to signify emptyness? That, but my with vagina.

Nerdy girls like to get RAM-med. ;)

Man, both girls and guys like fucking. I wish there didn't need to be such bullshit game playing to arrive to that conclusion.

I'm sitting here on the internet procrastinating. The thing I am procrastinating doing? Going and playing video games. This is my life.

Apparently I am too white to crank dat soldier boy and superman dat hoe.

When I run away in a hurry, I leave a trail of glitter, body lotion and fart. Like a stripper who ate a burrito

girl on tv "If I wouldn't put it in my body, we wont serve it in the store" my dad: "you put penis in your body, and you don't sell that"

From now on any dude I bang is going to have to let me use a clone a willy kit on him. I'm tired of losing good cocks to their stupid owners

If you're a guy who goes to the gym, and you're not training so that you could fight a bear if the need arose I don't even fucking know you.

LMAOO wtf am I seeing.  http://twitpic.com/bkpgsc 

That awkward moment when scratching your genitals turns into masturbation.

I just did this thing where I arched my back and put my arms all t-rex like and made a dinosaur noise and how am I an adult?

Thank god for Christmas backgrounds on porn sites. It really helps me feel like I'm not masturbating alone this holiday season.

Daytime twitter is more populated and busy... but night twitter? Night twitter is when the real freaks come out. <3

Ladies, Quick reminder, March 14th is steak and blowjob day. So fire up the grill, bust out your favorite lip gloss and make me proud!

I named my chicken "Dinner" I am a horrible person. #HarvestMoon