My 6 yr old nephew is cute as a button but he can't cook bacon for shit.

My Fruit Salad Recipe-
Step 1: You'll need one apple.
Step 2: Shut up and eat your apple.

My idea of good customer service is me not murdering you. You are welcome, asshole.

Apparently, "It is all a part of God's plan" is not a valid reason as to why I've been late to work this whole week .

I save time by laughing at the beginning of one of my coworker's stories and then walking away.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. Now, I spend my time writing short sentences on my phone.

Loitering in the cinema parking lot smoking a cigarette. Ladies, I'm the guy your mom warned you about, if she was talking about dorks.

My new place has no cable, no internet, and no digital converter for even basic tv. Only thing left to do is churn some butter.

I think I deserve some credit for not burning down my place of employment.

Got a txt message blinking light, but it was merely the phone telling me it needs a charge. Stop mocking my loneliness you stupid phone.

Sat motionless for the past twenty minutes wondering what I wanted to do, and that became the solution.

Harvest moon is cool. Go outside & have a look. Or look out your window. Or google image a pic of the moon. Or look at your butt in mirror.

Solved my problem of drinking alone by putting a mirror in the living room.

I'm making a lisp and checking it twithe.

If I come across as rude, its because I don't like you.

Hit-and-Runs are legal as long as you tell the officer you thought it was a zombie.

I am not a lawyer.

I'd like to unfollow real life. Its bumming me out.

Checking the nonexistent watch on my wrist, I'd say its a pretty good time to start drinking.

There's a penis on the internet.

Neighbor said hi to me this morning. Going to use the deadbolt tonight.