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The best jokes are the kind you feel bad for laughing at.
Chasing down an armadillo just because you want a new friend. Now thats commitment right there.
When your father says your tits have grown there is a serious issue with your relationship.
I feel like a fish died inside my brain.
Hypothetically, anything could happen tonight.
In all honesty I am an excellent liar.
I am human and I will let you down.
There's a possibility that I've made you in pillow form.
Let your kids hitchhike to school for some life experience.
Sometimes I like to pretend my intestines are one huge octopus.
Every time I whisper your name I think I love you a little bit more.
Here's your chance to make me feel awkward.
The wind has violated places I never knew it could reach.
Cats make that creepy purring noise because they're silently calling to the dead.
My vagina is like a beautiful bubbling brook on a fine summer night.
No girl likes going to bed this unhappy.
The fact that unnatural chemicals are in this just excites me.
My mother just had a talk with me about my cleavage.
You know a nude pic is real when the bedroom in the background is a fucking mess.
Hallmark commercials make me want to shoot someone in the face.
I'm just that sad blonde girl who makes everyone else sad.