If your god is one who will take sides in a basketball game full of millionaires while neglecting large swathes of the world, I am saddened.

We are at a point where "World Peace" is not so much a policy goal as it is the legal name of an NBA player best known for punching folks.

You know, Batman doesn't blame the victim.

I'm in a location that still has prohibition laws. This isn't a snarky comment, but a call for all of you with alcohol to be thankful for it

At the end of the day, when others have long since gone to sleep, I am left to wonder what a unicorn's favorite season would be

Generally speaking, random folks on the internet take more care with spoiler alerts for children's cartoons than NBC does with the Olympics.

When I hear "Space Coast" in a presidential debate, I have this problem where I can't help but think of "Space Ghost Coast to Coast."

The grocery store is testing how to tastefully inset copies of "The Life of Christ" between issues of Cosmopolitan and the National Enquirer

I don't always drink coffee, but when I do, I design it to taste like unfiltered hatred painfully squeezed from the plains of Mordor.

Those first seconds after a nap are critical. Those beams of light could be lamps, or raptor SWAT teams because the unicorns sold you out.

My Master's thesis is in the Whiskey stage of distillation. Objective: Vodka stage. If all goes well, it will clean & heal jellyfish stings.

I've had a string of dreams where I utterly fail at helping various futuristic princesses. I'm so bad at princess defending. Rubbish, really

*Observes a military convoy traveling by* "Is this normal?" The talking stegosaurus said to the walking street shark.

Greece is burning, sir. It has no mouth, and it must scream.

Sometimes I look into my mug and wonder when I became so old. Other times I wonder where, exactly, my drink went.

There are folks on the internet who take me 100% seriously. As I sit here with my superhero mug and a novelty hat shaped like a wolf's head.

Unlikely Conspiracy Theory: Sonic, Sonia, and Manic from Sonic Underground are the three goddesses of Hyrule.

First, sharks learn the ways of the democratic process.

Then, the sharks come for your villages, your egalitarian ways, and your companions

Switching from doctoral applications to hard liquor. You'd think it'd be an abrupt change, but really, the damage is about the same.

I was literally seconds away from buying a multi-layered vest today. I'd be so much classier for this #CBSNJdebate if I had that vest.