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My husband is whistling and farting simultaneously in the next room. Don't be jealous. Your prince is out there, too.
Remember when we all had cheap phones we could throw when we got angry?
"I met this hot guy and had sex with him because he was playing this loud thumping music with his car window down" - no.girl.ever.
My son is upstairs building his own computer. When I was 15, I couldn't zip up a hoodie unless someone started it for me.
Twitter is my Tamagotchi.
Are we sure Michael Phelps isn't a Manning? He looks like a Manning.
Why do ghosts always have clothes on? You're dead-live a little, ya know?
Five minutes of cuddling is a about three more than I can stand.
Someone corrected my Spanish in my dream and I'm still pretty pissed about it.
Dollar store handcuffs don't really work.
Today is a good day to not watch the news and to ask your grandmother to show you how she made your favorite recipe.
Whenever someone knocks on our door, my family and I look at each other like we all just remembered we robbed a bank.
Pretend like you don't care until, finally, you don't.
If I invented 69 it would be me scratching your back while you paint my toenails.
Girl secret: we tighten the jars first just to watch you flex.
I hate it when someone forgets I was the one who told them about the cool thing in the first place :(
I just poked my life with a stick to see if it was alive. Nope. Nothing.
I didn't mean to star your tweet. I just needed the light to pee.
No one ever eats my face :(
If my lungs don't collapse, then it's not spicy enough.