I'm still not fully convinced that USA wasn't playing against the male pop sensation Tokio Hotel #finkeliseinhorn?

Whenever I hear that someone is "unflappable", I always assume it has to do with the condition of their vagina.

To the delightful hobo at Home Depot: you're not crazy asking where they keep their beers at. You're just innovative.

I need someone to dumb down what SOPA is because whenever I hear it, I instinctively add PILLAS to it and start to drool. #whitegirlproblems

Can we do a soul swap? Lohan for Winehouse? Whaddya say, Death?

I wouldn't trust anyone who still uses a sidekick. Unless they were a dealer and trying to keep overhead down. Then that's business savvy

Child. Stilts. Juggling. Hot dog truck. This is all you need to know.

@kimjgoodwin @jessetyler fighting words for someone who has never won an esteemed award. World's best waitress mug doesn't count. #soursally

Adult: Making a laser appointment at a dermatologist. Not Adult: putting it in your phone as a PEWPEWPEW voice memo.

@peanutfreemom skateboarding's not a sport yet having to Kinects in your house constitutes as a work out? You sound fat.

I'm gonna declare independence from my pants all day tomorrow

@peanutfreemom sadly neither will your kid. you're just the worst kind of awful.

I bet you could bake muffins in your pockets in with this heat.

I don't want to ruin it for my nephew, buy shoe phone has been done already. He may be onto something with a Teva beeper though

I wish Vancouver would riot in the way most Americans envision: lathered in maple syrup, wearing coon skin hats and shouting "aboot."

Anyone else get the feeling that Michael Bay films are just massive product placement orgies? His earlier "works" are advertising handjobs.

@ijusthatemyself pretty sure you just described an over zealous great dane. and eww.

I'm still so very, very awkward.

The Mississippi is expanding and moving south because Missouri loves company.

Just saw a woman getting arrested outside of a Walmart. NOW it's Christmas.