Daughter saw a photo of me at 18 and asked who the pretty girl was.

I told her it was her real mother that died giving birth to her.

They have tracking on facebook so your family and friends know where you are? If I wanted them to know where I was I would answer my phone.

A friend told me I take twitter way too seriously.

Don't worry, I unfollowed her.

I've reached the stage of maturity where I no longer wish that people I hate would die.

I wish them married instead.

Dear California,

Try prostitution next time. Everyone likes that shit.

Love,
Nevada

Being poor is a condition. Being trash is a CHOICE.

Now. Bust out the boxed wine, bitches.

Does anyone know which homeless shelters provide wifi?

Diamonds are NOT forever you lose them in the divorce. You know what is forever? BABIES. Babies are for fucking ever.

Also, stretch marks.

To drink or not to drink?


That's a stupid fucking question.

I used to hate being carded but if I got carded now I think it would feel like a blow job from god.

Q: You are traveling into the past, what one thing would you bring back?

SEXY.

I am so getting an A on this History paper.

I should be allowed to hit other peoples kids.

Someone told me that I am vain, shallow and materialistic. But she was so ugly I just disregarded it.

I like twitter for the same reason I like living in Las Vegas: there is never an inappropriate time to be wasted.

You know how schools collect soup labels and shit to raise money? They should put that shit on beer & wine labels. EDUCATION CRISIS AVERTED.

I don't WANT to get pulled over, but can't say I wouldn't like to be handcuffed and thrown over the hood of a car....

I put the

in lazy.

I refuse to acknowledge the existence of any problem that can't be solved with alcohol, a murder or a flat iron.

Now the "walk of shame" is dragging the glass recycle bin outside. Filled exclusively with beer bottles. Then repeating that. Twice.

Apparently pessimism shortens your life. I guess that means I'm dying. That sucks. Too late for optimism, then.