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Math problem. I have three apples and am traveling towards you at 17mph. It's not really a problem, more of a warning. Apple time, bitches.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of "Didn't Make Me Any Cookies Weekly" again. "What good is she to anyone?" it says.
What we have here is failure to communicate. No, hang on. Ok, no. It's a dog. Sorry, I didn't see the tail. What we have here is a dog.
Be careful out there, guys. Snakes sound a LOT like sizzling fajitas.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say "Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?"
Hey, girl. Was your dad a crab? Because I just wanna crack those buttery legs and am not sure what to do with the rest of you.
Stephanie, I am out to lunch. If the Sims I trapped in this bedroom finally fall in love page me IMMEDIATELY. Yes, I know they look like us.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don't need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Damn, girl. You must be a Blu-ray copy of Babe 2 Pig In The City because I can’t take my eyes off your special features.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
No. Waldo! Come on. I didn't mean it! Wait! Come back! Shit, he's fast. HE RAN INTO A CANDY CANE FOREST? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
Welcome to Burger King. We just finished wilting a batch of wet lettuce. Go to hell. Here is a stray, free onion ring. Choke on it and die.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I don’t need alcohol to have a good time. I never have a good time.
Are you there God? It's me, chocolate. They keep putting me on raisins. It's weird.
If I were a girl I would get so angry when guys looked at my chest. It’s like, hello… my encyclopedic knowledge of Gilmore Girls is up here.
*puts down grocery bag* As a mother, I mother mom the BEST busy mom mother for my kids. *stares intently at washing detergent ingredients*
"Now you die, Alanis Morissette!" I reached into my coat for my knife, but could not find it amongst the 10,000 spoons I was also carrying.
You look at the profile. It's nothing special. There is a pile of burrito wrappers to the east. A huge dork is here. Obvious exits: south, east. /follow dork