The rest of the world uses Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. I just learned some girl I hated in high school likes her new pedicure.

Old people, just give me your phone. I'll find the stupid picture you're trying to show me and we can both move on.

Dear poor people: Less Tweety Bird tattoos, more night classes.

Dear Sarah Palin: I've literally never met one person who likes you. Please go away.

Respectfully,
300 million Americans

Hotel housekeepers, thanks, but I don't need my toilet paper folded into a little triangle. Stop touching that.

I wonder who won the sledgehammer competition in the hotel room next to mine last night.

I've been told I look like Johnny Depp. Or maybe they said decomposing cabbage. I don't really remember all the details.

Co-worker: Hey, I just joined Twitter, know anyone on it?

Me: What's Twitter?

"kids, split this bag of gummy bears evenly and fairly amongst yourselves." - rookie father about to get his ass handed to him

You think you've been face to face with some ugly people? How do you think a trombone feels.

Wow, Justin Bieber didn't win for Best New Artist. I feel bad for that 16 year old billionaire.

My favorite part of eating at Pizza Hut is looking around at the types of people who had my fork before me.

Your Chevy Cavalier convertible tells me that even though times are tight, you still know how to party.

I'm not happy about the amount of ketchup surface water I've poured on my food in my lifetime.

Life-long friend: Don't text me, I have to pay for those.

Me: Um, ok, sorry.

Former friend: No problem.

"Maybe if I ask a question at this meeting, they'll hear my voice and promote me soon." - too many people

If you want me to immediately forget your name, tell me it.

Thanks to that gas station sandwich, I feel like a dial-up modem sounds.

"Looks like I picked a bad week to quit drinking." - me (again)

Not quite sure you're ready to kill yourself? Have a 5 minute conversation with my coworkers about gas prices.