It's hard not to hover when your teenager has her boyfriend over for the first time. "Can I get you some cookies? Lemonade? Birth control?"

Thank goodness the cat is here to remind me on an hourly basis exactly what her anus looks like, just in case I should forget.

Yes child, you must go to bed. Because it's a school night, that's why. Also, I'd like to eat Froot Loops at 9:30 PM without your judgment.

"I'm carbo-loading."
"Oh? What are you training for?"
"Adult onset diabetes."
"..."

Psychiatry office receptionist: "And who referred you to us?"
Me: "The voices in my head?"
Receptionist: "..."

Unlike you, I'm not ridiculously over-invested in that trivial matter you're so worked up about. Here, let me spend all day explaining why.

When, at dinner, your child asks, "So, Mommy. How are your Internet friends today?" - it's time to get out more.

Plan for managing stress of tomorrow's huge family gathering: 1) Arrive drunk; and 2) Remain drunk. (That's all I've got.)

My teenager wants to spend babysitting money to take her uninsured dad to the doctor. My heart just broke.

If I had a nickel for each time the teenager left the house in buttcrack-revealing jeans I would totally aim it at her buttcrack.

"Um, Mom? What does 'butch with women, femme with men' mean?" And that, my friends, is why you don't leave old journals open on your desk.

MARRIAGE TIP: In conversation, do not confuse the emergency cash stash your husband knows about, with the one he doesn't.

There is an excess of month at the end of the money.

I'm a little over halfway done with my book outline, but because Sarah Palin is such an awesome inspiration to women I think I'll quit now.

Some would say "If you can't open that bottle, maybe you shouldn't be drinking." And to them I say, "fuck you and help me open this bottle."

God, I love atheists.

"But Officer, I HAD to cross the median. Guy in front of me was going the speed limit & I'm late to my shrink! Hold up, I gotta tweet this."

"I lost my virginity to Queensryche."
"The whole BAND?"

I was about to concede to the athiests that God doesn't exist since we have no Pop Tarts but I just found the Cocoa Puffs so screw you guys.

"What part of 'you married a crazy bitch' do you not understand?" The convenient thing is, I win this argument no matter what.