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The definition of trust: Two cannibals giving each other a blow job!
People say I have a Bad Attitude, I say fuck 'em.
Its sad that I cant look at a hamster without thinking of Richard Geres asshole.
I go through bottles of gin like the Kardashians go through black athletes.
My kids start school tomorrow. Never been happier.....except for that time I found out that I didn't have gonorrhea.
I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner.We used to write essays like: What I’m going to be if I grow up.
If it takes longer than 3 seconds for your picture to load, I am closing that shit out.
If I fuck a guy with multiple personality disorder, one of them better be a hair pulling, body slamming, pounding man.
I find it necessary to test my clit at least once a day to make sure it works. Never can be too safe.
I douched with hot wing sauce and beer in honor of game day.
The only reason I get up in the morning is to set my DVR and masturbate. Its the little things that keep me going.
Waiting for them to start a new dating website for singles over 70 with health problems to make finding my next target easier.
My kids said I have no heart....well I think thats what they said. Couldnt really hear through the closet keyhole.
I think today I will read some dark poetry and think about all of the ex boyfriends that have fucked me over. Oh and I might masturbate.
Watching Home Alone, my daughter says "how sad to leave your kid. Sounds like something u would do except on purpose." Damn right I said.
The amount of vodka I drink is directly proportional to the amount of shit I have had to put up with.
My son likes to watch design shows so I went ahead and bought him skinny jeans, a tube of KY and the last season of Project Runway.
Abortion clinics are the best place to find babysitters.
I feel obligated to star every tweet including the word vodka.
You never really know your a hoarder until you go to move.