They should make dildos that pay your bills and fix your car.

I'm not sure I would survive the zombie apocalypse. I can barely stay up past midnight.

Why do people get up early on Sundays and go sit in hard seats, and like hearing how they are going to hell?

I don't understand why my dealer won't play scrabble with me. :(

We never had to wash the dishes back in the day when I was cooking meth.

Some days I want to go from coffee to cocktails, like now.

Ever since Sears quit making catalogs, we've had to resort to buying toilet paper.

Ever since the CIA implanted that chip in my head, I get HBO for free.

Wal Mart keeps ace bandages next the lubricant and condoms. I wonder why. In case you pull a muscle during sex?

Tweens have worse body odor than homeless drunks.

Many mornings I want to kick puppies.

If it fits in the pussy, then just go with it. No one has to know you are fucking Ken.

Fuck hamburger helper! Our family dinners consist of window pane and wild turkey.

I am so pleased it rained on the artsy yuppy overpriced music festival.

When Jesus comes back, I hope he doesn't expect me to change. I just bought a bottle of vodka, pack of smokes and a bag of dope.

Scrub your toilet every now and then maybe people will like you fucker!

If 1% would occupy my pussy, I'd be one rich hoe!

Those dikes get more pussy than a toilet seat!

Aren't you cute. Bert and Ernie would fist you in a heart beat.

Star Wars Burlesque? OMG! Must see!!!