One thing I learned recently, is that when you go to the airport, don't hide your weed in a gun.

Drugs don't ruin your career. Drug tests do.

What ever happened to sex, drugs and rock and roll? All we´ve got left is aids, crack and techno.

I Googled "Gary Oldman" and got some pretty disturbing images - he's really let himself go, I thought. Then I realized I'd left the "R" out.

Know any jokes about Sodium? Na.

I saw a Cougar this morning wearing a Leopard coat, driving a Jaguar. It's a jungle out there.

And on the eighth day, God created children to satisfy the priests.

What do you call 300 Scientologists sitting in a room together congratulating themselves? The Oscars.

I've got the eye of the tiger. So now it just says 'tger.'

Went to a karaoke bar last night and discovered they didn't play any '70s music. At first I was afraid... I was petrified.

Adele is still at the top of the charts because no one can move her.

The downside of being an atheist is that I have nothing to say when people sneeze.

What's 9 and 1/2 inches long and satisfies most cunts? An iPad 2.

Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem.

Life's too short to tell people how short life is.

The Titanic was launched 100 years ago today. Nobody could imagine the horror that awaited - Celine Dion's 'My Heart Will Go On'.

Is there a God? What is the meaning of life? What happens at the end of a porno?

Words I want to hear after sex:

Common sense is like deodorant... The people who need it most never use it.

Some people just need a high five In the face with a chair.