"My wife's star sign was cancer, and it's quite ironic how she died, really...
she was attacked by a giant crab."

Some helium floats into a bar and the bartender says "sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." The helium doesn't react.

I if I ever purchase a ukulele I will write "This Machine Kills Tiny Fascists" on it. @hankgreen #woodyguthrie

if you moan really loudly in pleasure when receiving a TSA patdown, will they stop? or will they just keep doing it?

i read an article about tumblr being down and i was sad and then the top comment was "I NEED TO SHIP MAH BABIES!! ;__;" and now im less sad

next person who says something about the earthquakes being God's way of anything gets punched in the face ok

if your fans enjoy guns, and you DON'T want them shoot your political enemies, DON'T figuratively tell them to shoot your political enemies

@hexachordal two dicks in a family unit is nothing compared to millions of dicks in a backwards society

secret: Don't Unplug Me is about an elderly couple, one of them has an artificial heart, one of them is on life support and not doing well

twitter is like my life, in that I'm only really active in it when tumblr's down.

I wish people'd understand that highschool math isn't actually math and that real math is one of the most elegant and pure art forms we have

Hey #Nerdfighters! Want a Giant Squid Of Anger™ all over your body? Of course you do. http://dft.ba/-giant-squid-shirt

@glitter_hippie tomdell swilsom is my otp too, man.

does everyone learning guitar go through a "maybe I should just play bass guitar I'd be decent at it" phase?

Discrimination based on sexual preference is pretty gay.

@uncultured "look how happy you can make these people" always trumps "look how sad these people are, don't you feel sorry for them"

@wolfiepoo i don't want to ship hitlerchordal but every time I see them together I just get butterflies

@glitter_hippie tom ships tomdell swilsom too, you know

gonna get my legal middle name changed to ;-) so that whenever someone has to say my name at a legal proceeding they have to do a sexy wink

we killed a man. we took his life. forcefully, and I can only assume not very painlessly. this specific thing is not a thing to be proud of.