My Friend: Let's go see that thing about rebellious monkeys. Me: You mean Roots? #Racism.

Dear Jesus, I am not the kind of guy you stand up. Prick. Love, The Best Thing You Ever Gave Up. #Rapture2011. #Drunk.

It's like Punk'd, except instead of different celebrities getting pranked, we keep setting Cameron Diaz's house on fire. #ImpossiblePitches.

There were four fish, the first two numerically accounted for, and the final two red and blue, respectively. #UnnecessaryNovelizations.

Am I the only one who felt that The Fresh Prince would have been better without all those black people? #ImpossiblePitches.

"Let me get this guy's order right." -- Dunkin' Donuts employees, never.

People who use the word pretentious are so pretentious. #Paradox. #GoodMorning.

Picture Three's Company, but with an awkward kid and a loose cannon whose real life antics will jeopardize the show. #ImpossiblePitches.

Affirmative Action. #ReasonsMyPolishFaceWasFired.

Dear Twitter, Everything fucking SUCKS without @mablevin. Sincerely, a broken man. #KillMe.

Was it good for you? #WhatAreYouStillDoingHere? #QuestionsIHate.

Balcony Milk. #CombineTwoNounsToMakeAMovie. @mypolishface #ForYou, #MySweet.

Shape of a broken Wii-mote. Form of a pregnant meerkat mother. #UselessWonderTwinTransformations.

Where the FUCK is Joe DiMaggio?! #PaulSimonComplaints.

@mypolishface And next week on #HerPolishLife, Veronica gets covered in bees! Special guest star, Eddie Izzard.

I was in the back of your squad car without pants. I finished before we got to the station. #MissedConnections.

Suck my lady penis.

The fucked up thing is that at this point Julia Roberts gets paid millions of dollars just to laugh at us with her beaver teeth. #Musings.

Cool Hand Job, Luke. #HerPolishFilms.

So I've decided I'm going up to Canada this summer and finding a hockey player to bump uglies with. That's my code word for moose hunting.