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My Friend: Let's go see that thing about rebellious monkeys. Me: You mean Roots? #Racism.
Dear Jesus, I am not the kind of guy you stand up. Prick. Love, The Best Thing You Ever Gave Up. #Rapture2011. #Drunk.
It's like Punk'd, except instead of different celebrities getting pranked, we keep setting Cameron Diaz's house on fire. #ImpossiblePitches.
There were four fish, the first two numerically accounted for, and the final two red and blue, respectively. #UnnecessaryNovelizations.
Am I the only one who felt that The Fresh Prince would have been better without all those black people? #ImpossiblePitches.
"Let me get this guy's order right." -- Dunkin' Donuts employees, never.
People who use the word pretentious are so pretentious. #Paradox. #GoodMorning.
Picture Three's Company, but with an awkward kid and a loose cannon whose real life antics will jeopardize the show. #ImpossiblePitches.
Affirmative Action. #ReasonsMyPolishFaceWasFired.
Was it good for you? #WhatAreYouStillDoingHere? #QuestionsIHate.
Shape of a broken Wii-mote. Form of a pregnant meerkat mother. #UselessWonderTwinTransformations.
Where the FUCK is Joe DiMaggio?! #PaulSimonComplaints.
I was in the back of your squad car without pants. I finished before we got to the station. #MissedConnections.
Suck my lady penis.
The fucked up thing is that at this point Julia Roberts gets paid millions of dollars just to laugh at us with her beaver teeth. #Musings.
Cool Hand Job, Luke. #HerPolishFilms.
So I've decided I'm going up to Canada this summer and finding a hockey player to bump uglies with. That's my code word for moose hunting.