My sexual preference is often

I wonder if a receptionist at a sperm bank has ever used the phrase: 'Thanks for coming.'

Some people are wise, some are otherwise.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'parking fine'

men only get their great ideas in bed because their plugged into a genius!

If Twitter ruins relationships then guns kill people, pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk & spoons make you fat.

Sorry I can't suck it, small objects are a choking hazard

There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy.




Her heart! You dirty fuckers

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public

I have nothing to do so I'm painting a blue square in my backyard. So that Google Earth thinks I have a pool

Dear Romeo,
My death isn't the only thing I've been faking...
Sincerely, Juliet

I hate when people say, "I wish I was a kid again." Did you have sex and drink alcohol as a kid? Nope. So shut the fuck up.

Knowledge is Knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

I don't want your boyfriend, nobody does, that's why he's with you

Behind my smile is everything you’ll never understand.

I seriously need to update my "who to fuck" list

When guys lie, they say they love you, when girls lie, they say they don't

Maybe more men would stand up and be gentlemen if more women would sit down and be ladies.

Do hand jobs of people who do sign language count as blow jobs? Asking for a friend

Not using a condom is gross, my vagina has a dress code.