#confessionofagemini my good side thinks too much, my bad side reacts too quickly

Apparently its not OK to yell 'I caught you fucker' when playing tag with your 3 year old at a church playground

I hate when people say 'go fuck yourself'..... Do you honestly think I don't do that on a daily basis already??

Tonight's my second date with a guy I really like. I'm taking him to dinner & then the jewelry store to show him the ring I picked out.

#OnlyFatPeople have friends and a life so they arent sitting at home alone and tweeting about skinny people

Is it still considered a one night stand if you were on all 4's the whole time?

Some people should be required to wear a collar that says 'Save your time...I'm a fucktard'.

Is it considered child abuse when I beat the fuck out of the kid at the grocery store for calling me ma'am?

I remember a time when appearance and weight didn't define who you were... Then I turned 7

Just stopped the microwave at 0.01, so basically I am a qualified bomb diffuser 

I just said 'shit' on Facebook and now 268 people are praying for me

I can't wait til my daughter is 11 so I can wear her slutty outfits & look like the girls on the Disney Channel

Well. My 3 year old now knows where I hide my vibrator & just showed me the different settings. Guess its time to get her one of her own

Dear homeless guy, I bet if you went home, took a shower, & put on a nice suit, you'd have a better chance of getting a job

Apparently it's National Drive Like A Fucktard Day.

I bet my boss thinks it's so cute how I'm late every day....hopefully

If any of you are the nurse that gave my 4 yr old 5 shots today, I was KIDDING when I asked to keep the syringes for 'mommy's little habit'

I wish people would stop obsessing over stupid shit like US debt & focus on important issues like how the hell my ear buds get so tangled

I love this new diet I'm on!! Everytime I drink a cup of wine I go look in the mirror & I'm skinnier & hotter than the last time I checked

Can't decide what to cook for dinner tonight... Grilled nothing or homemade nothing..