@WadetoBlack's (Wade) most faved Tweets...
At the bank, I noticed my wife's signature is slowly morphing into mine. It's clearly part of her diabolical plan to bilk me of my hundreds.
Still in bed. Son asked that I come downstairs. Wants 2 show me something "totally awesome." If it's not a bacon tower, I'm gonna be pissed.
A new Stanford study claims that watching less TV can lead to weight loss. What a revelation! Next up: Is Twitter killing work productivity?
I draw the line at making offensive jokes about angry midgets because those can come back to bite me in the ass later on.
Cleanliness may be next to Godliness, but laziness totally has the most comfortable seat on the couch.
If you're trying to import your own candy into a movie, there are wiser choices than boxes of Nerds. Might as well had maracas in my shorts.
You'd think a guy who graduated Magna Cum Laude almost 15 years ago wouldn't giggle everytime he saw it on his resume, but you'd be wrong.
My birthday this year falls on Thanksgiving. I really hate sharing it with a major holiday. Now I know how Jesus feels.
Did you know if you take the letters in the first names of all the Golden Girls and rearrange them you can procrastinate for an entire hour?
After surgically removing all of the walnuts from this free brownie with a paperclip, I've realized I missed my calling. As a crazy person.
If by Science you mean the crazy old lady at work not knowing how to properly button her blouse, then yes, I was indeed Blinded By Science.
Co-workers wouldn't let me on Twitter while having drinks after work, so I had to wait until I got home to call them assholes in this tweet.
I thought I was done with walks of shame, but then I made the long walk back to my desk holding my microwaved salisbury steak TV dinner.
It's nerve racking to be on an elevator alone with a pregnant woman because what if we got stuck in there and she tried to steal my lunch?
Our pediatrician told us our daughter is trending to be 5'10". A blond-hair, blue-eyed, 5'10" teenage girl. I'm going to need a bigger cage.
The dumbest person on Earth is ALWAYS the person in front of you at the ATM. [theory not applicable if I'm in front of you]
My wife's busy fake cooking in in her fake cafe in the Cafe World game on Facebook. I'm eating microwave hot dogs. Something is wrong here.
Collided hard with a female co-worker walking around the corner. I'm a bit rusty on how all this works, but I think I just got her pregnant.
Dreamt last night I knew how to fix the leak under my kitchen sink. Pffft. Pipe dreams never come true.
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