@WadetoBlack's (Wade) most faved Tweets...
At the bank, I noticed my wife's signature is slowly morphing into mine. It's clearly part of her diabolical plan to bilk me of my hundreds.
Still in bed. Son asked that I come downstairs. Wants 2 show me something "totally awesome." If it's not a bacon tower, I'm gonna be pissed.
A new Stanford study claims that watching less TV can lead to weight loss. What a revelation! Next up: Is Twitter killing work productivity?
I draw the line at making offensive jokes about angry midgets because those can come back to bite me in the ass later on.
Cleanliness may be next to Godliness, but laziness totally has the most comfortable seat on the couch.
You'd think a guy who graduated Magna Cum Laude almost 15 years ago wouldn't giggle everytime he saw it on his resume, but you'd be wrong.
My birthday this year falls on Thanksgiving. I really hate sharing it with a major holiday. Now I know how Jesus feels.
If you're trying to import your own candy into a movie, there are wiser choices than boxes of Nerds. Might as well had maracas in my shorts.
After surgically removing all of the walnuts from this free brownie with a paperclip, I've realized I missed my calling. As a crazy person.
Did you know if you take the letters in the first names of all the Golden Girls and rearrange them you can procrastinate for an entire hour?
My son's leprochaun trap for tonight is decorated with glitter and rainbows.
I hope I don't find Richard Simmons in it tomorrow morning.
I hope I don't find Richard Simmons in it tomorrow morning.
I love when my wife gets a haircut because when I come home I can pretend she's a new wife and yes I do like sleeping on the couch.
If by Science you mean the crazy old lady at work not knowing how to properly button her blouse, then yes, I was indeed Blinded By Science.
Co-workers wouldn't let me on Twitter while having drinks after work, so I had to wait until I got home to call them assholes in this tweet.
I thought I was done with walks of shame, but then I made the long walk back to my desk holding my microwaved salisbury steak TV dinner.
Our pediatrician told us our daughter is trending to be 5'10". A blond-hair, blue-eyed, 5'10" teenage girl. I'm going to need a bigger cage.
The dumbest person on Earth is ALWAYS the person in front of you at the ATM. [theory not applicable if I'm in front of you]
It's nerve racking to be on an elevator alone with a pregnant woman because what if we got stuck in there and she tried to steal my lunch?
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