My sexiest pic ever!!!!!!! http://t.co/mtv8QSA3

I was gonna put on a costume and go to a party tonight, but I remembered that I have vodka and whiskey at home. And I fucking hate people.

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

Keep Kids Alive Drive 25


Nice rhyme but complete bullshit…

it's not the impact but the dragging that killed the 99% I've hit.

What does not kill me,
Will probably leave me with a shit ton of medical bills.

My family is going out to dinner tonight, and I think I'll order the surf & turf in commemoration of the burials of bin Laden and Gaddafi.

"And as the zombie killed the dad, the boy had to hide with 20 zombies lurking in the house. That's the end of story tonight son, Goodnight"

You guys need to remember tomorrow. Tylenol can't make the shame go away.

I'm sure satan would be proud of your kids

Say what you want about President Obama's economic policy but he sure knows how to kill a motherfucker.

I cut my own firewood, so yeah, I probably can kick Jason Statham's ass. Or at least get the first punch. Or scratch him real good.

It's funny, every time I post about Justin Bieber I lose a minimum of 3 followers. Every time! Yet I keep doing it. Because fuck you.

I put the "star" in bastard

My weekend To-Do List:

1) Don't die
2)

I dropped my phone and shattered the glass screen. Tweeting with bloody fingers shows commitment & character, right?

Don't be so hard on the Chinese guy, he's only Hunan.

For the record, nerd girls punch harder than nerd guys

My zombie followers don't think I'm funny. They only follow me for my brain.

I want a praying mantis as a pet. Except 50 times normal size so anyone that gets out of line gets chopped to bits.

Captain Kirk: "Mr. Spock, you'll be on my away team. Mr. Sulu, you'll have Bones on yours."

Sulu: "FUCK. YES."