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My wife just said "if you have nothing to do but tweet, come upstairs and I will entertain you big boy!"....anyway as I was saying....
The dog keeps looking at me as if to say "before you discovered twitter we both had a life!"
I think that when it comes to debate about masturbation I can hold my own.
Life's a bitch then you die...and if you're really unlucky some fucker digs you up shags you, and then sells your testicles as an afrodisiac
You realise that you are different from the rest of humanity when you laugh out loud at your own tweet, and nobody but nobody favs your joke
My eldest said "dad, how much does it cost to get married?" I said "don't ask me son, I'm still fucking paying!"
My ex said "you know you have never fucked my pussy properly" so later that night I gutted the cat and turned it into furry underwear
If anyone was offended by my naughtyness this evening I truly apologise from the bottom of my....FUCK YOU!
The ad says 'adventurous and playful', so I turn up for the date with a dildo and baby oil ...and WTF, they have the cheek to look shocked!
Does angry sex makes you cum like mad?
I want angry sex, followed by an aggressive cuddle and maybe a violent walk in the park holding hands and cursing sweet nothings in my ear!
A said to my gf "if they ever make a film called hunny I shrunk the tits, you should audition!"....she didn't laugh.
Things not to do on a first date - Hold up two dildos and say "me and the boys were thinking about making you airtight !"
When on a date joke "small cocks are gods gift for women with tight vags' " later she will be too proud to point out your shortcomings!
Ladies have nice soft curves, nice skin and smell good. Whereas we men are lumpy, hairy and have body odours. Why are you not all lesbians?
I'm not saying my wife is starting to look old, but I've seen flying squirrels with less skin hanging from their arms!
Its funny how naked trivial pursuits never took off, no matter how much I promoted it! ...At Christmas, the kids school, work and prison.
Does anyone else think that Dora the explorer will probably work in porn when she turns 17?
My ex's fanny was a bit smelly, turns out however giving head while wearing nose clips, goggles and a swim hat is not "acceptable"
Yes, I want my cake and eat it! Actually I want your piece of fucking cake as well!
First a few simple rules: - If you are NOT an adult with a broad sense of humour don't follow me! I will always follow you back unless I think you are a cunt!