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Be smart, cute, on time, polite, pay tickets, pay for drinks, sleep in the wet spot. All shit I don't have to do because I have tits.
When I saw my follower count jump close to 100 I peed a little. These are the moments life is made of.
I was going to give out flying fucks and lollipops today but I'm all out of flying fucks. What flavor you want?
Licking the tops of other people's beer bottles may not make you any friends but it does get you a lot of free beer.
Shower /masturbation time. Oh please. Like you guys are the only ones allowed to do it.
#FF Some of my Twitter sweeties @parajanitor @locomofo69 @mbucknaked @jack9eight5 @spazmonic @kidcrashed @kervinf
My mom used to chase me around saying if she unscrewed my bellybutton my ass would fall off. Now I know it was the acid talking.
Whoever invented the electric toothbrush was a fucking genius. Now I can have cleaner teeth and hit my gspot with the same portable tool.
Dear Friday, thanks for finally showing up.. You're lucky you're a payday or I would have kicked your ass.
Did you feel that? It was the small breeze created by my middle finger going up as you walked away.
One of the most important jobs a parent has is to model the types of relationships they want for their children.
Ladies, stop running after guys. A man worth having will pursue you. Check your friend zone.
I've been up for 15 whole minutes and not one of you fuckers has brought me coffee yet. ONDELE!
Women are amazing at multi tasking. We can feed the baby, stir the pot, talk on the phone, and give a hand job all at the same time.
Time to make the mutha fuckin donuts! I love screaming that when I enter the coffee shop.
Aww come here baby.. Lay your head on my lap and let me play with your hair while I drive this ice pick through your temple
Oh what the fucking fuck is going on in here today? I go to work for a few hours and you fuckers fall apart. Jesus.
In love with @mx1can
