"No, really, I'm in Maroon 5." - Every guy in Maroon 5 except Adam Levine

Stealing a child from a stripper is like taking a baby from a Candy.

Adrien Brody is the most talented talking condor ever.

The only thing I've ever learned from TLC is that extremely obese people sometimes give birth when they're on the toilet.

Light beer commercials should tell you how many calories are in 17 1/2 of their beers.

The ninja asked me, "Can you pass me my throwing stars?" I replied, "Shuriken."

People get really weird when they're alone in pools.

"Yo, that puppy is crazy small." - Vin Diesel looking at a hamster #VinDieselSunday

R. Kelly successfully demonstrated how the only difference between rappers and rapers is a little pee.

Weird, my girlfriend just got engaged to this other guy.

9 out of 10 dentists agree they should have studied harder in college and became real doctors.

There's no pussy left in the world because the FreeCreditScore.com band gets it all.

BREAKING: Wind.

Flava Flav has no excuse for ever being late anywhere.

Nice try at being over 12 years old, people named Dylan.

Bill Buckner must have hated it when his kids ran through his legs when they were young.

Just parallel parked for the first time! (And by "parallel parked," I mean "drove an ice cream truck into a museum.")

I bet Nazis were awesome at hailing cabs.

And it was then that Billy realized his grandmother might not be planking.

Note to shelf: Keep holding up my books, shelf.