Just joined a new political party: "Americans for the use of the word Wanker"

I feel like I'd be friends with anyone that knows "let's" is a contraction.

Hunger games, first world style. The last person eating ice cream wins.

@zdsantiago ferret.

@zdsantiago And the cumin

@zdsantiago #nevertoosoon!

This tweet is to purposefully make everyone wish they were with me. http://t.co/faDl8sHT

Enter the quintessential sitcom moment where I close the door to my old apartment for the very last time. #GoodMemories

@glasshalffull86 @hideandseek787 Even Lisa's tweeted quotes are enough for a good time

RT @theawkwardtweet: The awkward moment when Dora the Explorer's pauses last longer than Kim Kardashian's marriage.

I wish there was a delivery service from my kitchen to my bed. Anyone interested? Look at me, creating jobs for the American people.

Here's to enjoying @oldmansearch a few more weeks before it becomes an unfunny sitcom on cbs.

I'm actually a hipster dressing like a normal person to be ironic.

Pickles still count as vegetables, right?

Bathing suit: optional. Swimming: commanditory.