I molested myself last night... I said no but I knew I wanted it.

I need something hot and wet! Oh, coffee there you are...

It's almost 2010 and we still don't have flying cars... wtf who's slacking?

I would say I never paid for sex... but I have kids.

mmmm coffee tastes even better when you have the day off...

Girlfriend's sick... stupid carpal tunnel

My kids need to get to bed I have things to kill...

Screw heaven I want to go to Valhalla

My children have learned the joys of teabagging in Halo 3... I feel so proud

Had to make a run for to the border for dinner... in totally unrelated news, she told me she was 18...

Life the orginal P.T.S.D.

Fuck you Test Complete

Do I need to know the person ahead of time, if I want to make a conjugal visit to a women's prison #beenawhile

I told my ex maybe should put that she was a stripper on her resume... she might get more interviews that way... she wasn't amused.

Someone is thinking about sex... never mind it was me, carry on...

I'll finish myself #threewordsaftersex

Award shows - lets award people that make millions of dollars for doing their FUCKING JOB

Naked Twister who's in?

Of all the twitter streams, in cyberspace, you had to tweet in mine...

I miss you... And I've never even met you...