I've squirted this entire bottle of No More Tears shampoo in this babies face, he's still crying, babysitting is hard.

Justin Beiber has 23 million followers and I just got unfollowed by a horse magazine.

Just ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, fuck you Pringle's.

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

I don't understand a word coming out of this girls boobs.

How long do I microwave these turtles before I can teach them karate?

EHarmony just matched me with a baked potato and honestly that's pretty much spot on.

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that's weird.

This deaf guy is throwing up extremely complex gang signs.

Why didn't Catwoman ever show us her asshole? Seems like that would be her go to move.

Has anyone gotten the sun out of Renée Zellweger's face yet?

No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that's why I dropped it.

First rule of conference call club, you don't ask questions on conference calls, Fuck you Gary from accounting you piece of shit.

I've had like 6 red bulls, so of course I'm vacuuming the front yard.

We're out of toilet paper, also don't pet the cat.

Hey guys, I've figured out military time, I'll tell you all about it tomorrow at 41:00.

Got my first Twitter check, wait no, this is a bill, I just got a Twitter bill from my gas company, You know what? This is just my gas bill.

I'd like to meet the crazy motherfucker from ACME selling explosives to a coyote.

Thank God we have two livers.

I put the "girl" in "trunk".