God put men on earth because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing.

I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.

Boy at FBI headquarters saw pictures of 10 most wanted men & said, "Why didn't you keep them when you took their picture?"

It was awkward when she said, "And yet your feet are so big."

"What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer, "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

The trouble with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don't think they're funny, & nobody else thinks they're jokes.

A lesbian with fat fingers is well hung.

Twitter is starting to make sense. Time to up my medication.

The best twit followers are intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk or high.

Women play with their hair at traffic lights because they don't have any balls to scratch.

Grown ups ask kids, "What do you want to do when you grow up?" because we're looking for ideas.

DAM - Mothers Against Dyslexia

Lower your standards, a little more....,. there. Now you can relate to my tweets.

I'll gladly take a pity star.

If the enemy is in range, so are you.

My psychiatrist diagnosed me easily, "Yours is a common enough personality problem - you're obnoxious."

I bet I could get away with peeing on the floor at PetsMart.

WalMart may have 5 million underpaid employees, but only two work at checkout here.

The only time we're really concerned with aiming is when we're writing our names in the snow, dirt, concrete, quicksand, the beach, the air.