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I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.
God put men on earth because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Boy at FBI headquarters saw pictures of 10 most wanted men & said, "Why didn't you keep them when you took their picture?"
It was awkward when she said, "And yet your feet are so big."
"What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer, "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."
Treat your dog like family or don't have a dog.
Grown ups ask kids, "What do you want to do when you grow up?" because we're looking for ideas.
The best twit followers are intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk or high.
The trouble with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don't think they're funny, & nobody else thinks they're jokes.
Twitter is starting to make sense. Time to up my medication.
Women play with their hair at traffic lights because they don't have any balls to scratch.
I bet I could get away with peeing on the floor at PetsMart.
WalMart may have 5 million underpaid employees, but only two work at checkout here.
Lower your standards, a little more....,. there. Now you can relate to my tweets.
DAM - Mothers Against Dyslexia
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
I'll gladly take a pity star.
"Noah" spoiler alert: they ran out of food and ate the unicorns.
My psychiatrist diagnosed me easily, "Yours is a common enough personality problem - you're obnoxious."
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
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