@westoflondon's (General Misdemeanor) most faved Tweets...
Dropped off a shirt at the cleaners. On my way out the door the employee said “Come again.” I said “No, this time it's toothpaste.”
The wife got mad at me for pissing in the sink. I suppose I should have waited until she'd finished brushing her teeth.
On the news: A high % of girls under 16 are going out binge drinking on a regular basis.
I'm shocked, who's looking after their kids?
I'm shocked, who's looking after their kids?
I always put my coat on to answer the door just in case its the in-laws, then I can say "Sorry, I was just on my way out."
GF said "We need to talk about our future". I said "It's gonna be awesome - flying cars, holidays on the moon, shiny suits!"
I'm now single.
I'm now single.
I read somewhere that 39 is too old to be living with your parents. I think it was on a post-it note on my bedroom door.
Apparently answering the door with your pants around your ankles and saying "treat" is not acceptable.
Just bought a beginners cook book but i'm already fucked on page 1 where it says "Take a clean pan".
Ah there's nothing like a good blow job on a Saturday morning! I wish my sister and her boyfriend would finish up, its dusty under this bed.
My last job interview did not work out.
They asked me to show my testimonials.
Next thing I know I'm being escorted off the premises.
They asked me to show my testimonials.
Next thing I know I'm being escorted off the premises.
I was horrified to discover my new sex doll had a flat chest and a 9 inch cock. When I complained at the shop they said it was inside out.
When I get home from work i'm gonna rip off the wife's underwear. The bra is far too tight and the thong is cutting me in half.
Why does everyone want to rub my pregnant wife's stomach and say 'congratulations', but no one wants to rub my cock?
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