guys, fyi i won't be tweeting for the next hour because i'm inventorying someone's chest hair. sorry for the inconvenience.

let's conjugate "squirrel" as a verb.

BOSTON INJURY REPORT: Ray Allen with bruised chest, Paul Pierce foot injury, Rondo bad back, Garnett ankle, Glen Davis...obesity.

when you're 5'10" sleeping in a smaller-than-queen, you go diagonal & wait for daylight.

hold burritos like babies, & babies not at all.

my last swing burst the piñata & then there was a smattering of multi-colored mysterious pills all over the floor...weird party. goodnight.

what if i had a dog named Raisin :)

anyways, enough about meme.

curious about you (in the context of me)

unashamed to say that i'm everyone's "not so fast, last bite of food on your plate" friend.

slowing my heartbeat to a steady tap tap. whiskey helps.

why write an angry email when you can send them a dead bird wearing a miniature version of their favorite outfit, the old-fashioned way.

@ty_schutz i'm convinced you're a bot. or a zombie. or just my soulmate.

first time ever i felt sad to be car-less: tried to buy a watermelon for a picnic just now, wouldnt fit in my backpack so i had to return it

got stinkeye from a beagle about an hour ago, still thinking about it.

i love the insides of fries.

let's individually wrap cheez doodles for less pocket carnage.

torn between which meme to employ right now: 1. i was Asian before Jeremy Lin 2. i was a Knick fan when @seth_rosenthal was @ptknicksblog

if you want to be my valentine, let me know. all i ask is for a corner piece of meat lasagna.

turns out, i'm regular.