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If Adele doesn't get laid soon, I'm gonna find her and fuck her myself so I don't have to listen to this shit anymore.
I don't know why I ever left Twitter. Since I reopened my account 3 days ago I've already won 4 Ipads.
Watching Women's CrossFit makes me thankful I don't exercise.
Don't tell your wife she was a bitch yesterday on your lunch break. We have your credit card info saved on Amazon for times like these.
My 7 yo son is designing a toxic, TNT pig farm on Minecraft for the zombie apocalypse. This is what happens when stoners procreate.
I just full out rapped "Lose Yourself" into the cordless phone forgetting I'm on camera. I lost myself in the music, the moment...
I dress my boyfriend daily, so ladies don't listen to anyone who says you can't change a man. Also, his balls fit perfectly in my pockabook.
Now when I see someone squirm in their seat I can't help but think it's due to a painful catheter.
I think whoever coined the term "off the wagon" stopped at a Trading Post on The Oregon Trail with some really good moonshine.
There's no need to question Oprah's acting abilities. She's been pretending to be white for over 25 years.
Nothing like waking up to your man trying to fuck you in your sleep. Though those wolverine scratches on his face do give him character.
I woke up with the Punky Brewster theme song stuck in my head so I'm gonna take the hint and avoid supermarkets and empty fridges today.
Thank you 1980s childhood for knowing everyone who drives a van is a kidnapping child rapist. I'm looking at you, newspaper delivery guy.
Went to order & the manager told the new girl in spanish "Only I make her coffee, she's crazy." So I replied "Gracias, te lo agradezco."
A body was found in Crystal Lake in my hometown Wakefield, MA yesterday. And to think that summer camp closed down years ago!
My son had me on the phone with his cousins in VT to hear me say "harbor" and "fart" in my Boston accent. At least I'm good for something.
I would like to thank Roche Pharmaceuticals for making this tweet possible.
Why did the Patriots need a personality test for Aaron Hernandez? Any woman could've told them he was a douche just by looking at him.
I have the worst Boston accent you will ever hear. I gotta kid. I was married for 13 days. I breathe nicotine & sarcasm. Love Life.