Someone finally told me what type of apartment complex I live in something called projects I dunno but it sounds fancy.

Pigeons are basically the birds that dropped out of high school.

Let down by my puns? Well now you know how your parents feel about your adult life and decisions.

Nothing like the feeling of that little pink brush as it rips its way through the mangled hair of a Barbie and not a whimper is heard.

It's exhausting to think of how much effort I put into avoiding eye contact with anyone so I basically look busy ALL the time.

Don't like my humor? Well I'll DM you a list of my high school bullies and you take it up with them, they gave it to me.

In a surprising turn of events today, my cat just now called ME the N word. We're cool though I mean I did step on her tail and all.

Someone is going door to door selling coupons in my complex and I don't get why this is happening.

Hahahaha sometimes I tweet the dumbest things then I look at my timeline and I feel better about myself. So. Yeah.

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Cause damn you ate that shit hard and oh yeah that was my car so... yeah awkward.

I bet you Jay-Z measure his electricity usage in jiggawatts. HA! That'll never get old SHUT UP I'M FUNNY!

I love when you guys RT me but I’m sure your followers are like oh great this asshole again with his stupidness and stuff.

I’d like to think I’m prepared for a barrage of gunshots at any given moment but I’m not.

I wonder if we’ll ever find all of Madonna’s 7 horcruxes.

I’m convinced my whole life ahead of me is covered in cat hair, the poor man’s cashmere.

Crossing guards think they’re tough shit. IT’S JUST A STOP SIGN YOU’RE HOLDING!

I just saw a smart car cut across 3 lanes at high speed and that could possibly be the cutest fucking thing.

So what's this about shoes?

Picking from my draft folder is like picking team members for basketball in P.E. and they’re all in wheelchairs.

I bet these lean cuisine frozen meals got dibs on my life if obesity and heart dissase don't get to it first, so either way.