STEVEN SPIELBERG PRESENTS: JEFF GOLDBLUM RECLINING, CHEST RESPLENDENT, IN 3D

I'd like to thank all of the men who are explaining how comedy works. You're really changing minds and lives by addressing the real problem.

LIVEJOURNAL FEELINGS IN A TUMBLOG WORLD

I guess my main life philosophy is "surround yourself with magical weirdos."

Hey, let's deal with our outrage over injustice by pointing out how fat people are stupid! Haha, fatties, being so fat and stupid.

Got up late; did I miss the Self-Righteous White Dudes Explain Satire party? I need someone to tell me how I should feel about "jokes!"

THIS ENORMOUS ICED COFFEE JUST REMINDED ME THAT I LOVE MY FRIENDS AND WE ARE ALL POWERFUL AND BEAUTIFUL AND ALSO UNICORNS ARE REAL!!!!!

And we stuntin like goosey goosey pony pony chicken chicken llama, basic farmers raise that shit so we don't even botha

- Kountry Kreashawn

hey clothing manufacturers if i wear boyfriend jeans and a boyfriend tee do i automatically get two boyfriends or how does this work

So many of my friends have linked to Hyperbole and a Half today. I’m both sorry & grateful we can all share our experiences with depression.

So dumb how my car tape player doesn't dispense little grilled cheeses.
You know, cassandwiches.
Made with Kraft Cassingles.
Well, bye.

Hey plus-size clothing manufacturers: cool it on the ass sequins. My booty sparkles from within.

Dogs don't "get" daylight savings. They're all, Dinner please, and I'm all, It's too early!, and they're all, you BETTER not tweet this shit

did you know that yesterday I made the deposit for an apartment in Portland and in July I am finally moving off-farm well you do now ok bye

Running a day behind you mokes, but yes, I did register for #MaxFunCon, and yes, I am P U M P E D 4 F R I E N D S H I P.

LIFE HACK: Dwell on your failures and unfulfilled promise until folding a load of laundry feels like a major accomplishment.

nobody came to my Beyonce doc viewing party because I didn't invite anybody because this is between me, Bey, and these Girl Scout cookies

Three Questions to Ask Before Buying that Garment
1. How the booty look?
2. That shit on sale?
3. That shit on sale for cheaper online?

Today, a student told me, "Dude, Elisabeth, your poetry class is awesome."

Then we high-fived in slow motion in front of an American flag.

My phone auto-capitalizes ADORBS and GUUURRRRRL, so clearly I am doing everything right.