I like to text people at 7:30am and say, "not that shirt" to hopefully catch them picking out their clothes, and make them look around.

Fuck a 100 star tweet.

If one of my tweets got TEN stars, I would do a personal rendition of The Lonely Island's "Jizz In My Pants"

Is there anything more awkward than making eye contact through the crack by the door to a bathroom stall?

I always laugh at people who spell it "favourite" but then I realize they have better health care than me and will have the last laugh.

Gas dropped 20 cents and people are acting like there's a sign out front that says "FREE HANDJOBS"

Real life friends reading your tweets is the new family walking in on you watching porn.

"I'll follow you if you follow me" is the new "I'll lick yours if you lick mine"


Wait, what?

So my wife is joining our fantasy football league in case anyone was wondering if I still had testicles.

So iCloud automatically syncs every picture I take with my computer and my wife's phone???

Who's idea was this? My wife's???

My favorite facial expressions come after a family member says, "Your daughter is so cute" and I respond with, "That's my sperm"

If you've never yelled out "BOOMSHACKALACKA!" when putting condiments on a sandwich then you've never really eaten a sandwich my friend!

Apparently writing "You've been an amazing first wife" on a Happy Anniversary card will accelerate the divorce process.

During sex, I give a warnings of how close I am to cumming very similarly to the battery meter on a cell phone.

"50% there baby!"

Dumb
Boring
Ew, gross
LOL, FUCKING HILARIOUS!
Eh
Dumb
Stupid


-you reading my timeline. Thanks for the patience!

Just found out my step-father has been upset with me for the last few weeks.

Maybe I should send him a "at least youre fucking my mom" card

People ask me, "Why do you always tweet about sex?"

My response is "Same reason why I talk about food when I haven't eaten in a while"

"Having 300 followers and no friends in real life"

is my

"10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife"

"I like big CUPS and I cannot lie"

- Sir Mixed Drinks A Lot

Cashiers hate it when I talk on the phone while my penis is out.

Ladies: please save all stories regarding your day, your coworkers and friends until the inside of your thighs are over my ears. Thank you.