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Today I am thankful I have two middle fingers.
One more Flo from Progressive commercial and I'm putting a hit out.
Simmer down Kim Kardashian's ass. Simmer the fuck down.
I wish my job was to ride around before Thanksgiving finding homes who have Christmas lights on already then burning down those homes.
Remember, it's not Thanksgiving unless you post the photos of your turkey on IG.
Just reminding you guys ahead of time in case you forget.
Pretty sure I don't got this.
Someone just told me they can't have any doors in their house and now I have SO many questions.
Me to 12: can't you just walk to dance? It's cold out.
MOM OF THE YEAR
Where's the frozen nipples emoji?
Yea, I'd give you my phone number. But, NO.
It's not considered an earring unless it's in the shape of a hoop - Jersey Girls
I love Aaron Rodgers cause he's always like, fuck it I'll get the first down myself.
A facepalm. But for your feelings.
Tis' the season.
To be eating everything.
You know what snow tips will get me through snow days? No snow.