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I don't want a typical man. I'm old enough to know better now.
The crazy starts early in women.
Today I told my kids they can kill each other but just not when I'm around.
Who me? Waiting for my Xanax to kick in.
You only dislike me because you're afraid I'm gonna be your new mommy.
*listens to my friend tell jokes*
Me: So, got any funny ones?
Every time I look at you I just want to draw in some eyebrows.
No sorry. You can't be fat and annoying. Just like you can't be ugly and a bitch. Those are the rules of the universe.
It's almost pumpkin everything season. Ugh.
It's like an episode of the walking dead in this Walmart.
One more generation and they'll be no need to make irons or ironing boards anymore.
*puts Pringles can on belt at store*
*looks & realizes they're reduced fat*
Me to cashier: brb, I like the fattening ones.
Told my family I would take the shower first cause I'm the quickest.
And they laughed and laughed forever.
Wow I never thought there would be more than one person in my life who literally can pick out the shittiest hotels. Lucky me!
Talents: doing your dad
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