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Twitter's really slow this morning. No one's around. What are you all doing? Updating your new profile?
My favorite part of work is showing everyone my new shoes.
I don't understand your Italian but I know your ass looks good in those jeans.
I hear "good thing you're pretty" way more often than I probably should.
It's like you all don't even care how adorable my shoe posts are on IG.
I'm, I'll have sex for five hours straight if I can take a nap in between, years old.
A carfax. But for exes.
A mood ring but with a color for I'm lying cheating manwhore.
If I'm paying for the cake, I should totally be able to have Happy Birthday Asshole written on it.
Me forgetting my e-cigarette downstairs on the counter is like the universe saying yes, have another piece of cake.
There isn't a food you can name that I didn't eat today.
When my oldest let's the youngest wear something of hers..... that's my tranquility. Sad, isn't it?
My life in percentages:
10% hanging out with my family
80% looking for shit
Stop sending me dick pictures is not something I should have to say more than once to someone.
9: What's in this piña colada Italian ice? Lots of piña?
I miss you like Tina Turner misses Ike.
I'll defrost your meat.
Me: whistles at hot landscaper.
Daughter: the level of embarrassment with you is astounding.
<<<<goes to Walmart just to feel pretty.