If the weather today was a girl, I'd date the crap outa her. Maybe get married. Have a few kids.

I don't see any bowls. This game is so misleading.

I hope Tim Tebow wins the Super Bowl!

girls: explain yourselves with the whole sparkly butt-pockets on jeans.

If I were in an 80s metal band, I would want it named Count Zackula. 90% falsettos. 10% mullets. 100% deadly unicorn album art. #gettinglate

Never do I feel more judged than in the presence of overly tan girls...probably just jealous of my blisteringly white, light reflective body

"I'm going to dim the lights. No making out." - Dr. Villa

brb gonna go make some chemical angels in the grass http://t.co/HRQjKRPO

"A kiss without a beard is like an egg without salt." - Dutch proverb

Want your mind to be blown? Nicolas Cage won an Academy Award for Best Actor in 1995.

Sandra's Bullocks. You know what those are? Bullocks are castrated cattle. I don't know where I'm going this.

I bet graduating Jewish kids walk down the aisle to 'Pomp & Circumcision.'

Any person who sings the "Christmas Shoes" song gets their halls decked. Or their bells slain. What I mean is, I'll hurt you.

Finger-painted & hung up Christmas lights tonight. I have no idea what is happening.

I totally went planking on my bed last night for a couple hours. I can see what the craze is about.

Commas matter: "You win this round, young padawan" & "You win this round young padawan."

Toniiiiight, we are Jung / so let's set our collective unconscious on fire

Made it back to Texas. Arkansas is jealous. She plots revenge. LOVE WILL TEAR US ALL APART.

XANGA. NEVER FORGET.

On this day in history, @matthiasroberts left the comfort of his mother's womb and came out swinging by his umbilical cord to live among us.