My bucket list is just the words "afford things" written in orange crayon on a paper towel.

The first rule of ADHD club is HOLY FUCKING SHIT! PONIES!!!!!!!

I want Mexican food.

How is everyone doing today?

Texting for beginners:

STFU = Shut the fuck up.

LOL = Shut the fuck up.

LMAO = Shut the fuck up.

ROFL = Shut the fuck up.

Happy Birthday, America! Would've gotten you something but I already gave you my gift on April 15th. Just like I do Every. Fucking. Year.

My new favorite thing to do at work is slip a kid $20 while his parents aren't looking and quietly whisper: "This is from your real father."

"Still hung. Over." -- well endowed truck driver.

Most of my best friends' names start with the letter @.

I ain't sayin she's a gold digger, but she ain't messing with no broke white guy who's afraid to finish the rest of this lyric.

Digger Nick wasn't invited back to the Dyslexic Miners Against Racism Conference.

Whoever named it a "mobile" phone obviously didn't anticipate me spending the day on the couch covered in crumbs reading Twitter.

King Arthur: "What size and shape should we make the table?"

Sir Mix-a-lot: " I LIKE 'EM ROUND...AND BIG!"

Maybe you should stop learning to "COEXIST" and start learning to "fucking drive."

It's so cute how young couples think they'll make it.

You haven't truly won an argument until the other person says "whatever."

Twitter is weird: the funniest people are often the saddest, the craziest are sometimes the sanest, and the happy ones just stop showing up.

The difference between who's and whose:
Who's Peter?: something you might say at a party.
Whose peter?: something you might say at an orgy.

Just saw a squirrel get run over by a Smart Car. Poor little guy's back is gonna be sore for hours!

"What do we want?!"
"Short-term memory!"

"What do we want?!"
"Short-term memory!!"

"What do we want?!"
"Short-term memory!!!"

Crying hysterically and yelling for this spider to die after the 19th time I've stepped on him. Like a boss.

"I'm fucking hilarious!" - me after every tweet "I'm fucking stupid!" - me 30 minutes later checking favstar