I can't help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.

I'm health focused. I saw this green-brown water in a clogged toilet and thought "A lot of vegetables went into that."

When it comes to dads' bathing suits, go loud or go home.

It's always nice when a little sexual innuendo squirts out of a joke.

You might wonder how I'm able to read & star so many tweets. I was crowned speed reading prom queen. My hand skills are another story.

If more people knew about twitter, therapists would be out of business.

San francisco should really advertise its hipsters&cougars as tourist attractions. I'm so entertained.

In the looks race, mixed race has pulled ahead of blonde.

No sweaty one you don't look like a battery powered clown while doing sit-ups in full makeup.

If I could only find my kryptonite, then I could eradicate my superman complex.

I'm pretty sure guys with shirtless AVIs alienate potential twitter followers from both sexes.

Another word for watermelon is vodka delivery vehicle.

So are you mostly looking for a date-and-mate or a hang-and-bang?

Some people claim they're different&special by getting body piercings&tattoos. Preppy guys just wear shorts with a different shade of pink.

I love lyrics like "show me where you dick is at" and other Kesha masterpieces celebrating new feminism&bad grammar.

Girls who smile awkwardly at me, you're my favorite.

When you're hungover the sound of people's voices is like a bird attacking you.

Reason #247 I like being a guy: the more messed up your hair is, the better it looks.

I'm indecisive about what I'm indecisive about.

I would be willing to get in a relationship if I met someone perfect, but since perfect people don't exist, neither do relationships.