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I thought decaf coffee was a myth. What is this fuckery?
Cunt, thundercunt, fuck, shit, dick, fuckstick, whore, slut, skankery, fuckery...
Don't be alarmed. I'm just teaching my autocorrect.
My best tweet is always the one I forgot to tweet.
I have a serious mental illness. I trust people.
Twitter is a clusterfuck of "I've always wanted to say that."
Twitter is just like a woman. If you talk a lot "there's something wrong". And if you start talking she won't let you finish a fucking sente
Can't wait to be a celebrity so I can post a picture of my junk and tell everyone that my account was hacked.
It's never too early for a good book and a strong drink.
Didn't have to go to work, didn't have to login on facebook, or didn't have to talk to a single human being today.
What a glorious day!
Smile. That will confuse others.
When she left me, I told her, I love my cat and my cat loves me. That's all I need.
On a totally unrelated note: I don't have a cat :(
She used to say "I'm madly in love with you."
The love faded away. Now just the madness left.
I'm a fairy. I'm a brown fairy. I'm a brown fairy riding a purple bike.
No, I'm not on drugs.
Just had a "Hey, my balls are down here!" moment.
So ladies, I know how you feel. I really do.
The best thing you can do to yourself is to learn how to laugh at your own misery.
I'm not drunk, I prefer the term 'alcoholically challenged.'
"I love you!"
"Aww.. I love you too!"
One of those conversations I have, with myself.
I hate my life.
Why do I have to pick the noisiest trolley, every single time?
I gave up giving up for lent.
How is telling someone to go fuck themselves is offensive?
I'm not a bot. Or an 'egg'. I'm just a whiny little cunt.