I thought decaf coffee was a myth. What is this fuckery?

Cunt, thundercunt, fuck, shit, dick, fuckstick, whore, slut, skankery, fuckery...

Don't be alarmed. I'm just teaching my autocorrect.

My best tweet is always the one I forgot to tweet.

I have a serious mental illness. I trust people.

Twitter is a clusterfuck of "I've always wanted to say that."

Twitter is just like a woman. If you talk a lot "there's something wrong". And if you start talking she won't let you finish a fucking sente

Can't wait to be a celebrity so I can post a picture of my junk and tell everyone that my account was hacked.

It's never too early for a good book and a strong drink.

Didn't have to go to work, didn't have to login on facebook, or didn't have to talk to a single human being today.

What a glorious day!

Smile. That will confuse others.

When she left me, I told her, I love my cat and my cat loves me. That's all I need.

On a totally unrelated note: I don't have a cat :(

She used to say "I'm madly in love with you."

The love faded away. Now just the madness left.

I'm a fairy. I'm a brown fairy. I'm a brown fairy riding a purple bike.


No, I'm not on drugs.

Just had a "Hey, my balls are down here!" moment.

So ladies, I know how you feel. I really do.

The best thing you can do to yourself is to learn how to laugh at your own misery.

I'm not drunk, I prefer the term 'alcoholically challenged.'

"I love you!"
"Aww.. I love you too!"

One of those conversations I have, with myself.


I hate my life.

Why do I have to pick the noisiest trolley, every single time?

I gave up giving up for lent.

How is telling someone to go fuck themselves is offensive?